


Head Over Feet

by non_tiembo_mala



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Anal Sex, Barebacking, Blow Jobs, Firefighter Jensen, Fluff, Grumpy Jensen, Injury and recovery, Little bit of angst, M/M, Past Suicide Attempt, Physical Disability, Punk Jared, Riding, Schmoop, Seriously the schmoop is out of control and I'm not sorry, Soup Kitchens, first time in a long time, mental health, reference to suicide, well maybe a little...
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-01
Updated: 2018-12-01
Packaged: 2019-09-02 06:56:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 29,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16781911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/non_tiembo_mala/pseuds/non_tiembo_mala
Summary: From the original art prompt: An ex-fireman Jensen, literally and figuratively scarred by his job, meets a free-spirited punk named Jared.When Jensen's therapist suggests he do some volunteer work, he starts helping out at a soup kitchen downtown. Meeting Jared, the guy who runs it, is the first in a string of good surprises that just might change Jensen's life for the better.





	Head Over Feet

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sweetheartdean](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetheartdean/gifts).



> Oh boy, where do I even start? I have a lot to say about this one, guys. This is my second piece for this year's J2 Reverse Bang. When picking art, there are two types: the ones you love purely because the art is pretty and/or perfect and appealing to you (even if you have no idea what to write about it) and art that you look at and immediately know you have a story for. Mary's prompt is the first. I loved it the second I saw it but my mind was blank, no idea what I would write for it. And then the first round of claims went by and it was still there. I knew I had to have it. Ask Amanda -- I rushed to our DM and begged for a brainstorm, anything to convince me I could do her art justice. 
> 
> And I am so fucking glad I went ahead with it. I am grateful for the endless encouragement and resource that is Amanda when I need to bounce I ideas, and also for Mary who had the beautiful idea to put these two together in the first place. I am really fucking proud of this story. 
> 
> I cried no less than three times while writing it and that has _never_ happened to me before haha. So messed up over my own stupid story, god. Scratch that off the list now, I guess!
> 
> That said -- I know y'all should know by now, I mean, it's _me_ \-- but this might be some of the fluffiest fluff I've ever written. The schmoopiest. I can't help it. I can only write them one way! The heart wants what the heart wants, as they say. So you've been warned. 
> 
> As for warnings, there is mention of a past suicide attempt, so carry on with the appropriate caution.
> 
> Beta'd by gluedwithgold (who also cheerled and held my hand, along with Dancing_Adrift)
> 
> The title is from Alanis Morrisette's song of the same name. It came on the radio while I was driving somewhere and still on in the early stages of writing this but immediately I knew -- it's basically their theme song, so. Yep!
> 
> Don't forget to hit up Mary's [posts](http://sketchydean.tumblr.com/post/180669293296) and leave her all the love for her incredible art <3

“Jensen, how long have you been coming to see me?” Dr. Rhodes asks, setting her pen and paper down in her lap and leaning forward, one elbow on her crossed knee as she looks at him with a knowing smile.

Jensen sighs, bristling. “Is this some kind of test?”  
  
He’s asked Dr. Rhodes that question countless times, to which she usually replies something vague and irritating like _maybe, maybe not. Just answer the question_. This time she just raises an eyebrow at him, the one with the piercing.

Yes, Jensen’s psychiatrist has piercings. And occasionally rainbow coloured hair. And butterfly tattoos up her arm. She doesn’t look anything like what Jensen expected a psychiatrist to look like, but then, he figures maybe that’s the point.

“Jensen?” She prompts gently, bringing him back to the moment. He grumbles.

“I don’t know, uh,” he thinks back, tries to place when it was he’d hit the bottom and ended up here against his wishes. Definitely not a good time, but it’s actually been quite a while now, long enough that he stays because he knows it’s good for him _._ “I guess… maybe fourteen months?”  
  
“Uh huh,” she nods. “And do you think our visits have helped you?”  
  
Jensen looks at her, deadpan. She _knows_ they have, but of course it apparently has to be something else they need to talk about. So much talking.

“Yes. Obviously,” Jensen almost manages to keep his sarcastic remark to himself, but it gets tacked on to the end there after all. Dr. Rhodes looks unsurprised.

“Smartass,” she chides affectionately, and Jensen has to fight the impulse to grin a little despite himself. “It’s good to take notice of where we are, where we’ve been, and the things that have helped us on our journey. I think you have made excellent progress, but I think we both know there’s a lot we have left to unpack, and I think we’ve gotten comfortable. I know your medication is helping a lot with the day to day but I really do think it’s time we start looking at other ways to help you feel fulfilled.”  
  
There’s almost an excited glimmer in her eye, as though she knows Jensen is going to want to dig his heels in about this and for some reason she enjoys this. _Change. New things. Yeah, no thanks._ Jensen already wants to say no, and he doesn’t even know what she’s talking about. He stifles a groan.

“Yeah? And what exactly did you have in mind?”

\---

“Whoa, Mr. Grumpy Gills,” Danneel exclaims when Jensen comes through the door to their apartment. “You look extra scowly today. Did Dr. Rhodes suggest you should adopt a kitten? Maybe hold hands with strangers?”

Jensen groans as he shucks his jacket and hangs it on the hook, then picks his cane back up from where he had leaned it against the wall. He glares at her as he makes his way into the kitchen.

She puts the last of the dishes in the drying rack and barks out a laugh, tossing the tea towel over her shoulder. “She did, didn’t she? You’re going to hold hands with strangers!”  
  
“Ugh, Danni–” Jensen starts, exasperated, but then deflates as he sits down. “Not exactly.”  
  
Danneel seems to jump with excitement, and it only makes Jensen roll his eyes at her as she sits down opposite him. “Spill it, Jen.”  
  
He sighs again and taps his cane against the thick sole of his boot, agitated. “She said… I don’t feel _fulfilled_.”

Jensen always feels ridiculous relaying parts of his sessions with Dr. Rhodes to Danneel, mostly because he knows she is going to enthusiastically agree with everything Dr. Rhodes says, and because he knows they’re right.

“She wants me to volunteer.”

Jensen hears himself, okay? He knows he sounds dramatic when he says it, like she’s suggested he needs to eat bugs for breakfast as opposed to doing good things for other people. And he’s not stupid, either. Objectively, he knows why she’s saying this, and that it makes sense, but people haven’t exactly been Jensen’s strong point for, oh, the last seven years or so.

“Of course she does!” Danneel exclaims like it’s a brilliant revelation. “Firefighting is helping people. Maybe you can’t do that anymore but it’s not the only way. You can still help people, Jensen.”

Jensen groans again, completely unsurprised, so much so that he almost wants to laugh, but can’t dare give Danneel the satisfaction. Instead, he holds his face in his hands – hiding his twitchy lips – and when he’s schooled his face again he slides his fingers into his hair and tugs it in frustration. “You sound just like Dr. Rhodes!”

Danneel positively beams at that. Jensen would bristle except for how beautiful she is, and because he absolutely adores her, his best and longest friend. “Damn right I do. Because we’re obviously both scary smart, and care about you a lot, and between the two of us, you will find a way to be happy, Jensen Ackles!”

Jensen does let himself smile a little at that because, after all this time, he’s come far enough he’s pleasantly surprised to find he might even believe her.

\---

Meeting new people has to be at the top of Jensen’s Least Favourite Things list, right next to being out in public where he can be seen by people even if he doesn’t have to actually meet them. Dr. Rhodes has helped him work on his discomfort a lot in the last fourteen months. He used to get delivery or only eat whatever Danneel brought into the house, but he regularly goes for his own groceries now even if he still feels the need to hide what he can behind high collars, hoodies, sunglasses or all of the above. He stills scowls when he sees people’s eyes on him, lingering on the patches of skin he can’t hide, their gaze dropping to his cane and his awkward gait. Before, he couldn’t bear it, imagining their thoughts, seeing himself through their eyes, but now, he can let it go enough to exist outside his apartment when he needs to. 

Dr. Rhodes had been planning to suggest volunteering to Jensen for a while now it seems, because she already had a place in mind, and handed Jensen a card with someone’s contact information.

“A soup kitchen downtown,” she’d said. “The guy who runs it, he’s a friend of a friend. He’s expecting to hear from you, so. I’ll know if you back out on me.”  
  
She’d winked at him then, and Jensen had just sighed, defeated, and given her a small smile that told her he wouldn’t be backing out, no matter how apprehensive the whole thing made him. He’s well enough now to know he’s in a better place, and to know he doesn’t want to be alone and angry at the world forever, even if it feels easier that way. If Dr. Rhodes thinks this will help then… it probably will.

It’s a refreshingly cool mid-September day, and Jensen appreciates that the drop in temperature gives him an excuse to bundle up a little more, the tall collar of his leather jacket giving him the illusion of a shield to hide behind. As he climbs the final steps out of the subway, he tips his chin down and takes a breath, leaning heavily on his cane to give his bad leg a moment after the stairs, letting the pain ease away.

He starts walking again as the ache subsides, always much easier than climbing stairs, and is thankful the soup kitchen is not far from the metro. He rounds the corner and sees it just down the way, just a hole in the wall, really, surrounded by other dreary hole-in-the-wall places and the usual build up of trash in this part of town. The cooler air helps with the smell, too. The soup kitchen does stand out, however, with a bold, hand painted sign above the door – _House of Hope Soup Kitchen: All Welcome_ – that even Jensen has to admit does brighten up the spot a little.

Leaning against the brick wall not far from the doors is a shaggy-haired punk, for lack of any better way to describe him. The kid – since Jensen hazards a guess he’s barely legal, if that – is tall, taller than Jensen even, and wearing a black hoodie underneath a ragged denim jacket covered in patches. The sleeves are pushed up his forearms to reveal colourful tattoos down to his wrists, and he’s got an eyebrow ring – or is it two? Jensen’s wearing sunglasses, as always, but he tries not to stare either way as he approaches and the guy brings a cigarette to his lips and takes a drag. His fingernails are painted black and chipping, and Jensen feels a pang of sadness. For all his gripes about how his life has turned out, he’s got a roof over his head, food on his table, and Danneel to make sure he’s not alone. Some people don’t even have that.

“Hey, man,” the guy perks up when Jensen makes for the door, cigarette perched between two long fingers as he turns to Jensen with a thousand megawatt smile that surprises him. “Welcome to House of Hope.”

“Yeah, thanks,” Jensen tries not to mumble, nodding back at him while still trying to hide inside his coat, clinging desperately to the final minutes before the inevitably of having to remove his outer layers.

He lets himself in and the place isn’t busy yet, since there’s another hour or so until lunch is served. Dr. Rhodes said he should get here now so he can get some orientation before diving right in. “Just ask for Jared,” she’d said. “He’ll know what to do with you.”  
  
There are a few people sitting at the empty tables, obviously homeless, but the main area is otherwise empty and quiet. It’s pretty bare bones, folding tables and chairs on a basic tile floor and an exposed ceiling, high and open with dusty metal vents. The walls, however, have been spruced up the same as the sign out front, with vibrant and colourful painted murals of people of all backgrounds helping each other, holding hands, the New York skyline in the distance. Jensen takes a moment to look over the art, feeling all the love that someone put into making this place bright and welcoming.

Jensen lets himself be distracted by the art while he begrudgingly shrugs out of his jacket, folding it over his arm and tucking his sunglasses in the breast pocket of his plaid collared shirt.

The doors jingle happily when someone comes inside, and Jensen turns around to see that it’s the guy from outside.

“Sorry about that. It’s a shit habit, I know. I’ll get there,” he says without preamble, as if they’d been in the middle of a conversation, and Jensen’s confusion must be evident on his face because then the guy sticks out his hand with another brilliant smile. “I’m Jared. And I’m guessing you must be Jensen.”

Jensen blinks a moment, surprised, but snaps out of it quickly and shakes Jared’s hand, feeling sheepish. That’s what he gets for making assumptions. “Yeah, that’s me.”

 _Like there’s another guy you’re expecting to walk in here with a disfigured face and a limp_ , Jensen huffs internally, especially since Jared’s face hasn’t seemed to even register everything wrong with Jensen’s. Jared’s people skills are clearly leagues above Jensen’s. Sheepish is an understatement.  
  
“Don’t worry about it,” Jared says as if reading Jensen’s mind, leaning in with a knowing smile. “I get that a lot. Come on over this way with me.”

Jared gestures towards the serving counter and the kitchen behind it, and Jensen follows while feeling worse, his cheeks heating a little with the shame. He should know better than to jump to conclusions, whether Jared is used to it or not. God, he’s a fucking hypocrite. He hates himself a little.

“Thanks,” Jensen says as they walk into the kitchen. “Uh, for having me here, I mean.”  
  
Internally, Jensen groans. He’s terrible at this.

“Oh, no problem! We always need an extra hand, and Kim’s pretty great. If she says you’ll be a good fit then I’m sure you will be,” Jared says confidently.

Jensen shifts his weight to his good leg, leaning on his cane as he takes in the sight of the kitchen. It’s very basic, stainless steel appliances everywhere, but immaculately clean. There’s a large double freezer and fridge, a huge pantry stocked with rows of canned goods, bags of rice, and boxes of pasta. There’s a large row of Costco-sized spice containers against the wall, and Jensen can’t help but smile a little. This is very clearly a labour of love, and he likes all the vibes he gets from the place.

The back door opens and a tiny brunette walks through, holding a big box filled with cans of coffee and bags of filters. “A little help here?”  
  
Jensen startles into action, fumbling with his cane a bit, but Jared is already on it.

“Gen, let me get that,” Jared rushes over scooping up the box and moving to put it on the closest counter.  
  
“Thanks,” Gen huffs, giving her arms a shake before unwrapping her scarf. “There’s another box in my car.”  
  
She slides out of her jacket and hangs both items on a nearby hook on the wall, clearly intending for Jared to look after the other box. She’s even tinier than Jensen initially thought now that she’s not all bundled up, but looks commanding as she moves around the kitchen, going for a huge pot on the shelf under the counter, and then a frying pan. Jensen already gets the sense he doesn’t want to be in her way, and he presses back against the wall to take up less space.

“On it,” Jared says, going for the back door. “Gen, this is Jensen, by the way. Kim sent him to us.”  
  
Jared tosses back to her as he disappears outside, and she looks over her shoulder at him, giving him a once over from head to toe. Her eyes don’t linger anywhere in particular, simply appear to take him in, assessing but not unkind. Not for the first time, Jensen finds himself wondering about Jared’s connection to Dr. Rhodes and what that means Jared does or doesn’t know about him.

“Hey,” she says, and after she finishes tying an apron around her waist, she reaches out a hand for him to shake. “I’m Gen, as advertised.”  
  
She scoffs at her own joke, giving her head a little shake.

“Nice to meet you. Thanks for coming. We can always use the help. I got a lot of food to whip up, so if you don’t mind jumping right in. Maybe you wanna take a run at the coffee maker? Make sure the table is stocked?”

“Uh, sure. Yeah, I can do that,” Jensen says, and he walks over to the hooks where Gen hung her coat to add his. The kitchen is small enough to navigate around that his cane will only be a tripping hazard, so he leans it up against the wall underneath his jacket, then makes his way to the front counter where the large, industrial coffee maker sits, self-serve from the other side, grabbing a can from the box Gen had brought in.

He can feel Gen watching as he moves without the cane, knows he has a more exaggerated limp without it, but then she’s turned her back to him, attention returned to setting out two onions on a cutting board, then rummaging around in the fridge for other ingredients.

Jensen takes stock of the coffee pot, then quickly skims the outside of the can to check the ratio of water to grounds before filling the empty pot with water from the faucet.

“Jesus, Gen, what did you even buy?!” Jared complains with a laugh as he comes back through the door carrying an even larger box of groceries and setting it down on the first counter he comes up to, pushing back the first box to make room.

“As much as I could with the cheque Jeff dropped off yesterday,” she shoots back. “We were running low on lots!”  
  
“I guess so!” Jared starts unpacking the boxes.

Jensen focuses on counting out the heaping spoonfuls of coffee amidst the sounds of Gen’s chopping and Jared’s putting things away. He flips the switch, and when the sounds of water boiling pick up inside he moves his attention to containers of sugar, sweetener, stir sticks, and coffee cups. Some stuff looks low, and just as he wonders where to find everything, Jared is reaching past him to open up the cupboard underneath the counter, revealing boxes of everything for the coffee station.

“Ah, yes,” Jensen nods. “Thanks.”  
  
“No problem,” Jared chirps, adding a few new boxes, cans, and bags from Gen’s haul. “Gen does most of the cooking around here, so keeping everything organized, clean, and stocked is mostly my job.”

Jensen keeps nodding, not sure what to say. It feels painfully obvious, his silence, and the fact it means he has basically forgotten how to interact with people outside the absolute basics of hi, bye, thanks, see you next time. The coffee starts to drip behind him and Jared unpacks the last of the boxes, so when they’re empty, Jensen moves over to collapse them.

“Recycling?” He asks, and Jared smiles.

“Yeah, just outside the back door on the right.”  
  
Jensen tucks the two folded boxes under his arm and makes for the door, feeling Jared’s eyes on him as he goes. Everyone’s always watching, wondering, asking themselves if he can manage. 

He pushes the door open and shivers at the gust of wind that greets him. He slides the boxes in alongside some others and then goes back inside, pulling the door shut behind him. He feels how warm it is inside now, and can smell the onions and garlic Gen has simmering in the frying pan.

“So basically, while Gen cooks – if she’s not asking for help from us – we can get the serving counter ready, set out salt and pepper on the tables, butter packets, that sort of thing,” Jared explains as he motions for Jensen to join him by a wall of cabinets. Inside are stacks of melamine dishes, mainly large, deep bowls that will hold a fair helping of soup but could easily double as a plate. “Utensils are over there, cups here… and there’s takeout containers up top if anyone doesn’t want to stay or asks for some to go. As long as we’ve got it, we don’t say no.”

Jensen quietly trails behind, watching as Jared points everything out, grabbing dishes when Jared does and helping him stack them on the end of the serving counter.

“The trays are on the other side, they grab them when they come up,” Jared continues. “We promise to have hot food available between noon and one, as well as between five and six. The windows aren’t large but there’s only so much we can do. If we can do more, we do, but that depends mostly on our volunteers. If anyone’s here outside meal times we keep coffee and tea on the go, as much as we can especially in the colder months, just to offer people somewhere to go and get warm. We have a pretty good rotation of folks who come in and help, and there’s a high school around the corner that sends a couple kids every week day to help with lunch. We make it work.”  
  
He shrugs with a soft smile, and Jensen nods again, scrambles for something to say.  
  
“It’s pretty impressive what you do here,” he manages to get out.

  
Jared grins like he knows it, but it’s not obnoxious, just appropriately proud. “Yeah, it keeps it busy. Stocking, prepping, cleaning – seriously, so much cleaning –” he laughs “it’s a part time job at least. The other half of my time is fundraising to keep the place going. Securing corporate sponsors, private donations, raffles… a little bit of everything, really. Anything that helps.” 

Jensen is awed. It’s simultaneously inspiring while reminding him of the waste his life has been since the fire, so much _less_ than he’d hoped to be. Familiar waves of self-pity and loathing lap at the edge of his consciousness, but Jensen forces them back. This is all part of the process, he reminds himself, an echo of Dr. Rhodes’ voice in his head. This is him, learning how not to waste the rest of his life before it’s too late.

“How long has House of Hope been a thing? I mean, you can’t be that old. Did you– start this?” Jensen gestures to the brightly painted walls beyond the serving counter and Jared rubs at the back of his neck with one hand, looking young and humble.

“Yeah, kinda. I mean, yeah, we did. It was our – mine and Gen’s – idea, but we had _a lot_ of help.”

Jared gets this look on his face when he says that, something soft, and fond, and still proud, and Jensen finds his interest piqued, wanting to know more about how two teenagers got this place up and running, even if they did have help, but then–  
  
“Uh, guys? Little help please!” Gen calls out, causing Jared and Jensen to turn to her right away. She’s got an armful of at least one too many cans, standing on tiptoe where she reached for them on the top shelf, _just_ tall enough that wrong move and her over ambition could result in disaster – a mess, an injury, or both.

“Oh shit,” Jared dives for her, trying to grab something before there’s a spill, both he and Gen cracking up while Jensen watches, torn between concerned and amused. They get all the cans safely deposited onto the counter and Jared shakes his head.

“Could’ve just asked for help you know,” he points out. Gen just waves him off.

“You were giving Jensen the rundown, I didn’t want to interrupt,” she explains, already turning her attention to the cans she selected, rummaging in a drawer for an opener.

“You want any help now?” Jared asks, looking back at Jensen wide-eyed as if to say _can you believe her?_ Jensen chuckles a little as he lifts both hands, palms up to answer _don’t bring me into this._ Jared laughs, and Jensen feels a pang of something as he watches, an echo of something he hasn’t felt in a long time. It shocks him out of the moment, makes him swallow hard and withdraw back into himself where it’s more familiar. Safer.

“Nope, I got it. Now get outta my way. I’ve got soup to get ready!”  
  
Gen turns to Jared long enough to dramatically shoo him, waving her hands, brandishing the can opener, and Jared laughs as he scurries away from her playfully. He pauses as he stands next to Jensen, catching his breath, and then the front door chimes, drawing his attention.

“Hey! Mike, Billy, it’s good to see you! Lemme grab you gents a coffee,” he waves, and Jensen turns to see two grizzled men nod back at him, one answering with a cheerful _hey, Jared!_ in return. “C’mon, we can bring their coffee after they’ve settled and I’ll introduce you.”  
  
Jared motions towards the coffee maker and Jensen follows, but even the small influx of people – maybe coupled with being a bit shaken up by Jared just before – is setting off Jensen’s triggers. His anxiety is spiking hard, and he doesn’t even have his cane to cling to, since he left it with his coat. Dr. Rhodes is aware it’s more than just a physical crutch for him – she calls it a security blanket, _ugh_ – but Jensen makes himself breathe out slow through his nose.

When he steps up beside Jared, currently pouring two cups of coffee, Jensen reaches out with a shaky hand and brushes Jared’s elbow to get his attention before quickly withdrawing his hand.

He doesn’t touch people much. Doesn’t like to be touched much, more like. But close enough.

Jared seems to correctly interpret the touch regardless, tilting his head down and back subtly to say he’s listening. Jensen takes another deep breath and braces himself.

“I, um–” he starts, hushed, and Jared leans in closer, putting down the coffee pot to give Jensen all his attention. It absolutely does not help, and Jensen has to make himself look down at his hands. “I don’t– god, sorry. People. People are hard for me. Talking to them, I mean. I’m sure you can tell.”  
  
Jensen hates to say it out loud, to Jared whom he’s trying to get to know, if he’s going to come here often, and right now, he hates Dr. Rhodes for putting him in this situation.  
  
“Did Dr. Rhodes– did Kim– did she warn you about me? Or?” He winces internally at his shit choice of words, feeling like he’s very quickly ruining any chance at making friends or– whatever it was he was trying to do here.  
  
“Hey, Jensen, hey, look,” Jared coaxes him to look up, voice quiet and gentle. Jensen chances a glance up at his face, and all he sees there is kind concern. “Kim has nothing to warn me about, okay? You’re going to do just fine. These people are real forgiving, trust me. You don’t have to say much right now. Just stick close, say hi, see how it goes. You’re going to be fine, I promise.”  
  
Jensen wants to squirm under Jared’s gaze. His eyes are so damn expressive, and it feels like he’s reaching out to Jensen with so much more than his words, which are already so earnest, Jensen wants to believe them even while he struggles with the part of him that thinks there’s just no way. He manages to nod at Jared while silently cursing Dr. Rhodes for exposing him like this, making him vulnerable in front of goddamn strangers, but then Jared is smiling at him so brightly, so genuine and keen, Jensen almost forgets to stay lost in his thoughts.

“Awesome,” Jared says at Jensen’s muted agreement, and then he’s cocking his head back towards their patrons. “C’mon.”

  
\---

Jensen had remained tense while they wandered the tables bringing people coffees, but eases up somewhat by the time they get behind the serving counter to dole out a delicious smelling soup with fresh buns for lunch. Jared is right, even if Jensen does manage to avoid too much in the way of conversation. Jared does most of the talking, chipper and easy going, and the patrons who know him – there are a lot – entertain his good natured questions, while the newcomers or less frequent flyers sometimes say a lot less. Jared is good at reading people, giving space when it’s prefered, but he is so welcoming and friendly, Jensen can’t help be in awe. 

He mostly plays the part of Jared’s hobbled shadow, but he manages a _hey, how are you_ here and there where it’s warranted, whenever Jared introduces him to anyone. Once or twice the patrons’ eyes find him and linger obviously, and one man even touches his own face while he looks at Jensen with sympathy and says _that’s rough, man_. Jensen just nods then, still uncomfortable and unsure how to respond to people pointing it out, and he wonders if he will ever get to a place in his life where he’ll feel something less miserable at the reminder of his scars.

Jared graciously, smoothly moves the conversation along, and Jensen is silently grateful. It’s easier when they’re behind the counter. Jensen finds that with the task of handing out buns, conversation is built around the easy yes or no question, _would you like a bun with that_? Regardless, he’s feeling a bit easier by the time they finish serving lunch. Quite a few patrons linger at tables after, some grabbing extra buns, others more coffee, and some taking to-go portions when Gen says she has some leftovers to find a home for. Then they settle into cleaning the place basically from top to bottom which, between the dishes, the tables, and the prep area, is a more significant task than actually preparing and serving the meal. By the time they’re done with that, most of the patrons are gone, and they’re able to enjoy a small break themselves before setting right back into getting dinner ready.

Jensen is tired by the time Jared says they’re in the between-meal lull and they can step out or grab something if they want. Jensen is content with a cup of coffee from the fresh pot he made and to simply sit for a spell, stretching his bad leg out in front of him. He doesn’t even realize he’s rubbing absently at his knee until Jared asks if he needs anything, and says it’s okay if he needs to take off, they’d manage the dinner rush.

No fucking way is he bailing. Gen and Jared work so hard, and Jensen is almost alarmed to find how much he wants to help, if he can. He takes two extra strength ibuprofen and tells Jared as much, which only makes him smile at Jensen again in a way that makes Jensen’s breath catch in his chest.

Jared is nothing like Jensen expected he would be – he’s not sure _what_ he was expecting – but to say Jensen is surprised and stunned by how beautiful he his – tattoos, piercings, cigarettes and all – is a pretty big understatement.

At the inescapable realization, Jensen quickly retreats to behind his coffee cup, breathing a little easier when Jared steps out then for a smoke.

He chats a little with Gen while Jared is outside, or rather, she chats mostly _at_ him while he drinks his coffee and she tears apart a bun and eats the chunks. She’s bubbly and sweet when she isn’t trying to make soup on a deadline, and Jensen can see how she and Jared fit together that way. It was obvious there is lot between them, and Jensen isn’t sure how he feels about it. He’s surprised to think he feels anything about it at all, and tries from that point on very hard not to think on it.

The dinner service is basically a repeat of lunch except more. More soup, more bread, more coffee, more patrons. It makes for more clean up, too. Fortunately, there are also more volunteers – Osric and Felicia, if Jensen remembers correctly. Jensen has to grit his teeth through the pain in his leg on and off, but he’s determined to see the day through. When they finally toss the cleaning supplies back underneath the sink and Jared clicks the lock into place on the front door after the other volunteers leave, Jensen has to admit he is thoroughly wiped. He tiredly limps his way over to his cane, sighing with relief as his fingers wrap around the handle.

“Day one done!” Jared exclaims, walking back to the kitchen from the front. “You did great!”  
  
“You did,” Gen agrees. “How’d you find it? And it’s okay if it’s not your thing. It’s not for everyone. We don’t judge.”  
  
She smiles at him and it’s sincere.  
  
“No, it… it was good. I’m still just so impressed with everything you guys do here. I… want to be part of it. If I can, I mean.”  
  
Jared and Gen both smile at that, pleased.

“Of course,” Gen says. “We’ll gladly take you. In fact,” she turns to Jared then, a deliberate look on her face that makes Jared’s change in question. “We would love to take you out for a celebratory drink. Dinner even! One that I didn’t cook.” She laughs. “Wouldn’t we, Jay?”  
  
There’s that look again, and Jensen is in the process of finding the words to kindly turn her down – he doesn’t really go out, actually, and he’s tired, and this day has been really long – when he realizes Jared is _blushing_ . His cheeks are a furious shade of red, and he rubs the back of his neck with one hand as he looks away from Gen and turns to Jensen.  
  
“Yeah, we would. If you’re up for it,” Jared adds, and then, “please?”  
  
Jensen’s refusal dies in his throat. Jared’s eyes are big and pleading, and Jensen finds he can’t say no.  
  
“I’d like that,” he hears himself saying, and it briefly feels as though he’s a spectator in his own body. He barely remembers his manners he’s so out of it. “Thank you!”

“Awesome,” Jared looks relieved, and Jensen is stuck wondering why, but Gen is already throwing on her coat.

“Perfect! We know this great little pub. It’s just around the corner. I’m starving!”

  
\---

Jensen looks around the crowded bar and is grateful to be tucked into a booth in the corner, as well as the low lighting that makes him feel like he’s hiding – even if this is the farthest thing from it. He can’t remember the last time he went out like this, but then, he supposes, he hasn’t really been in a position for anyone to ask him. Danneel gave up trying to drag him out of the apartment a _long_ time ago, but after tonight he has a sneaking suspicion that will change, too. 

The food is really good, so Jensen can’t complain about that, and the waitress doesn’t startle at the sight of him any more than the usual cashier in the grocery store, something he’s finally gotten used to enough it can’t be a complaint, either. The company has also been exceptional, even if Jensen doesn’t say too much, just answering the occasional question and being content to watch Jared and Gen banter back and forth. It feels a lot like him and Danneel, honestly, and it’s been surprisingly refreshing to be around anyone who isn’t his therapist or his best friend, aka his _other_ therapist.

As if on cue, he can feel his phone buzz in his pocket. Then again. And again. _Buzz buzz buzz_. It can only be eight o’clock then, and Danneel’s just finished her shift and finally checked her messages.

Gen is in the bathroom and Jared’s gone to the bar to get refills, so Jensen takes the opportunity to pull out his phone to see, even if he has no intention of responding to her barrage of texts.

Jensen, 6:37pm: _Was a good day. Don’t hate it, I guess. Everyone’s really nice. They asked me to join them for dinner so don’t wait for me._

Danneel, 8:03pm: _Jensen, are you at a restaurant? WITH PEOPLE?!_

Danneel, 8:04pm: _I don’t believe it. Not one word. Who is this? GIVE JENSEN HIS PHONE BACK!!!_

Danneel, 8:04pm: _LOL you know I’m kidding don’t hate. I’m just happy_

Danneel, 8:05pm: _Don’t think you’re getting out of telling me EVERYTHING when you get home, I don’t care how late it is_

Danneel, 8:05pm: _HAVE SO MUCH FUN I LOVE YOU xx_

Jensen has to laugh at her series of outbursts. He does have to admit, he’s enjoying himself, and her predictable reaction.

“Dude,” Jared’s voice startles him and he looks up from his phone as Jared sits down across from him, a pint in each hand. He looks a little awed and Jensen flusters, cheeks warming as he shoves his phone away. “That’s a real smile right there.”

He nudges one of the beer towards Jensen.

“Who were you talking to?” Jared asks, taking a sip of his drink, and then he clears his throat and looks sheepish when Jensen just blinks at him. “Sorry, I know that’s nosey. You’ve just seemed like a pretty reserved guy all day. Couldn’t help asking what makes you laugh like that. You don’t have to answer.”  
  
Jensen swallows thickly under Jared’s bright eyed gaze.

“Uh, no, that– that’s okay,” Jensen answers, and it is. It just threw him a bit, hearing how he comes across to someone who’s not Dr. Rhodes or Danneel. “Just my roommate. She’s… excitable. And ridiculous.”

He chuckles a little as he tries, poorly, to summarize Danneel. Jared’s eyebrow goes up in question.  
  
“Just… a roommate?” His tone and expression make it clear what he thought, and Jensen’s cheeks are properly on fire now.

“Yeah, oh, god, no,” he fumbles over the rush of words. “I love Danneel, she’s my best friend, but no, definitely– we’re not– she’s not–”  
  
Jared looks unconvinced by Jensen’s fragmented answer, so he tries to wrap it up more succinctly.

“ _She_ is not my type,” he finally says, emphasis on the she, and after a beat, Jared’s expression changes to one of understanding. His mouth forms a silent _oh_ as he nods, taking another sip of his beer, his eyes still unwaveringly on Jensen, and suddenly Jensen’s mouth is dry. He reaches for his beer and takes a long drink while Jared watches, then Jared is finally looking away, laughing a little and pushing a hand through his hair. Jensen knows a nervous tick when he sees it – Lord knows he’s got plenty – but Jared looks so beautiful and bashful when he does it, there’s a clench in Jensen’s chest.

“Where– where’d Gen go?” Jensen asks to break the tension, realizing she’s been gone a while now, and if Jared thought he and Danneel were chummy, then he hasn’t seen how he looks with Gen.

“Oh,” Jared blushes, and Jensen is surprised at how the colour in his cheeks makes him feel a bit warm all over. _What. Is. Happening here?_ “She, um, left. Said she forgot about an essay she has due.”

An essay, Jesus. Jensen forgot how young they both are, watching them basically run the kitchen, looking after all those people. College feels like a lifetime ago to Jensen, like so much else.

Jared doesn’t sound like he buys her excuse even as he relays it to Jensen, and in the same moment, he realizes it’s just him and Jared now.

“You guys are pretty close, huh?” Jensen says before he can stop himself, internally cursing, like Jesus what has gotten into him? But Jared keeps _looking_ at him like that and he can’t help his brain is going there. God, it’s been so long, it never even occurred to him this might happen.

It’s Jared’s turn to laugh, though his response is much more coherent than Jensen’s.

“Yeah, we are. I mean, we were in the system together. The foster system,” Jared adds as explanation when the question must show on Jensen’s face. “My parents died when I was fourteen. Gen was nine. She was basically a veteran by the time I met her. We had both gotten into all kinds of trouble by the time we ended up with the same foster dad. We’d both been bounced around a lot. He changed both our lives. We’ve been best friends ever since. Well, she’s basically my sister.”  
  
He sums up with a laugh, as if anything he could say about her could ever be enough, and then he takes a quick breath and looks right at Jensen. “ _She_ is not my type either, if that’s what you’re asking.”  
  
The admission hangs in the air between them, and Jesus, Jared is really– he’s definitely coming onto him. Jensen hasn’t– there hasn’t– fuck. He doesn’t know what to do. What on earth could Jared possibly see in him? He’s an admittedly grouchy, reserved – that was Jared’s word – asshole, scarred and broken. Under the table he clutches at the handle of his cane with one hand, and he takes a long pull of his drink.

“I– no, I wasn’t– I mean, I guess–” Jared’s eyes go wide as he smiles, amused with Jensen’s continued fumbling, and he feels a pang of irritation mixed with embarrassment but he still finds a way to laugh with Jared instead. “Sorry.”  
  
“It’s okay,” Jared says easily. He’s so much younger than Jensen but it feels, maddeningly, as though he’s figured out so much more, easier in his body and with other people than Jensen wonders if he could ever be capable of. “I was just saying.”  
  
Jared sips at his own beer again, and it feels like he’s giving Jensen an out, a way to move on from this conversation and forget about it, if he’d rather.

Would he rather? Jensen racks his brain and his gut for what he wants. He doesn’t fucking know. He hasn’t thought about it in so long, and Jared came out of fucking nowhere, making him think about it now, putting him on the spot. He’s barely prepared for leaving the house every day and here comes this _kid_ practically, calling him out easy as can be, asking him something he hasn’t let himself imagine in a long-ass time. And why would he? Jensen can hardly look at himself most days, why would anyone else want– Fuck. Fuck, _fuck, fuck._

“I was asking,” Jensen says definitively, before he can change his mind, and it feels like standing on his tiptoes on the edge of a cliff. “I’m just… really bad at it. It’s… been a long time.”

The admission hardly feels like enough as far as explanations go, but Jared seems appeased, grinning at him, and Jensen can breathe again, even if his stomach swoops.

“Okay,” Jared says. “Okay.”  
  
They both take a drink, and Jensen shakes his head, grinning into his pint like an idiot. He’d feel more ridiculous except for how Jared is doing the same.

They don’t say anything for a moment, but Jensen is weirdly comfortable with the brief quiet. He lets himself settle into it, finishing off his beer, and as he sets the glass back down it hits him; he is so tired. He was on his feet a lot today, more than he’s used to. It was a long day out of their apartment, also more than he’s used to, finally topped off with an outing he hasn’t managed in the better part of his twenties, at this point. He has an appointment tomorrow afternoon with Dr. Rhodes, and he feels like he could sleep from now until then. Just thinking about it coaxes a yawn out of him, and he hides it behind his hand.

“Yeah, I’m kinda beat,” Jared agrees, and he’s yawning, too, when Jensen looks over at him. “Wanna get out of here?”

Jensen must look stunned because Jared rushes to keep talking.

“No, I just mean, we could… go for a walk maybe?”  
  
Jensen clears his throat to shut down the surprise, and instead feels himself tense. Here it goes. They’ve barely gotten past the insinuation of mutual interest and Jensen is going to sour it.

“I… my leg really isn’t up for it,” Jensen admits stiffly.

“Jesus, I’m so sorry. I’m an idiot,” Jared hits his palms to his forehead. “I wasn’t thinking. I didn’t want to make assumptions. Shit. What an asshole thing to say.”  
  
Jared grimaces and Jensen didn’t mean to make _him_ feel badly.

“No, it’s okay. Other days, maybe. It’s just been a long day.” 

“Right,” Jared nods. “Sorry.”

Jensen hates this. Jared looks awkward and now things are weird because of his stupid leg. Jensen ruins things. It’s what he does.

“I just–” Jared’s cheeks flush brightly and that hand is pushing through his hair again, black painted nails disappearing in the soft-looking strands. Jared sighs. “Confession: I asked Gen to take off. I… wanted the chance to talk to you just you.”

He looks embarrassed, and Jensen can only stare at him, uncomprehending.

“Can we rain check? Or, leg check?” Jared grins with a chuckle and Jensen blinks, too surprised to even properly appreciate Jared’s joke.

“You… you mean–?” God, Jensen’s brain is struggling with this.

“I mean… can I take you on a date sometime? Just us. If you want. It’s okay, either way,” Jared starts backpedaling as Jensen stares at him, willing his face to show something besides disbelief, scrambling to say something, _anything_ . “You don’t have to, and you can still come to the kitchen, I didn’t mean to make it weird–”  
  
“ _Jared_ ,” Jensen finally says, cutting him off. His hand twitches with the impulse to reach out and touch Jared’s where it’s flopping on the table as he talks, but he hasn’t– the feeling alone terrifies him in that moment. He has to swallow hard as Jared abruptly stops speaking and stares back at him. “I… would really like that. To… go on a date. With you.”

Jared lets out a gush of air and then _that smile_ is back, so fucking bright Jensen can’t help but reflect it a little on his own face.

“Okay,” Jared says softly. That comfortable quiet comes back, and Jensen’s phone startles him out of it, buzzing in his pocket. He takes it out and looks at Jared without reading Danneel’s latest text.

“Can I– do you want…? Or I could…?” Goddamn his inability to fucking find the words.

“Oh! Yeah, no, good. Let’s– both. Here, what’s your number?” Jared pulls out his own phone, and Jensen rhymes off his number while Jared types it in. “There, I’ll text you so you have mine.”  
  
Just then, Jensen’s phone buzzes in his hand, and he looks down. It’s an unnamed number – Jared – and he opens it to add it to his contacts. The text just says _it’s me :)_ and Jensen smiles down at his phone as he changes the name to Jared.

“There, we’re set,” Jared says as he tucks his phone away. “How are you getting home?”  
  
Jensen sighs. He usually would take the subway but the ache in his leg and his general fatigue says otherwise. “I think I’ll be cabbing it tonight.”  
  
Jared nods, understanding. “Can I… walk you out?”

Jared looks hopeful and eager and Jensen can’t remember the last time someone who wasn’t Danneel looked at him with anything even remotely in that vein. It makes him feel– well, it makes him feel, is what.

“Yeah,” Jensen breathes. “Of course.”  
  
Jared looks only too happy at that, springing up from the bench to pull on his coat. Jensen slides to the edge of the bench and stands up, then reaches behind him for his cane, leaning it against the edge of the table while he gets dressed.

“Oh, let me,” Jared says, reaching past him to grab Jensen’s coat, and then he holds it up for him. Like… like a fucking gentleman.

Jensen’s face is hot as he easily slides his arms into his sleeves, mumbling _thanks_ as Jared stands right behind him. He’s immediately aware of just how tall Jared is in that moment, his mouth so close to Jensen’s ear when he replies softly, “no problem.”  
  
Jensen grabs for his cane as if in a daze, and leads the way out of the bar when Jared stretches out an arm indicating for him to go first, then falls into step right behind him, his hand hovering warmly in the middle of Jensen’s back.

The touch is light but to Jensen it’s searing, hot and demanding. He can barely think of anything else, and he’s grateful for the blast of cool air when they finally step outside. A cab goes by, but they’re too slow, and it keeps going even after Jared raises one endlessly long arm to wave at it.

“Damn,” he laughs. “Sorry. Next one!”  
  
“Sure,” Jensen says, watching Jared as they stand at the curb. He can’t make head or tails of him. This morning, he erroneously – rudely, _stupidly_ – assumed Jared was a patron of House of Hope – he still hates himself for thinking it – and now? Now they’ve worked side by side all day, gone out for a meal, made plans for a date…. He shakes his head. The day could not have gone more differently than he imagined it would, and he can’t remember the last time he was this surprised at life.

“What?” Jared asks, wearing a curious look.

“Nothing. I just–” his instinct is to say nothing at all, but Jared is still looking at him like that, those damn puppy dog eyes, and Jensen finds himself saying more despite himself. “This day has been full of surprises.”  
  
Jared’s smile widens, and then he bites at his lower lip. “Good surprises?”

He takes a step closer as he says it, close enough Jensen feels like he has to look _up_ a bit. What a trip that is.

He contemplates the flutter in his stomach as he looks Jared in the eyes, and yeah, if he’s being honest. Dr. Rhodes talks often about taking leaps of faith, that those jumps, big or small, are the stepping stones of his recovery. Most of Jensen’s leaps have been pretty small – as small as she’ll let him get away with – but right now, looking at Jared, Jensen feels as though he’s trying to jump farther than he has since the first time he walked into her office. But the most ridiculous part about it? Jared _almost_ makes it seem easy.

“Yeah,” he admits quietly, heart pounding furiously in his chest.

Jared doesn’t stop looking at him, but he raises an arm, and a yellow cab pulls up alongside them a moment later.

“Good,” Jared says, and he leans in. Jensen freezes – _this can’t be happening, this is happening? Oh god_ – and Jared must sense it because he stops, just short, their noses brushing when he looks up from Jensen’s mouth to catch his eyes. Jensen wants him to do it, can’t even believe how much he wants it, all at once and overwhelming, but he’s still frozen, long enough that Jared pulls back. Jensen opens his mouth to say something but he can’t figure out what, and his mouth shuts again instead as Jared just watches.

“Jared,” Jensen finally breathes, and he puts his weight on his cane and leans that little bit forward, just enough so Jared hopefully understands.

“Yeah?” Jared asks, sincerely, and Jensen nods. Jared is smiling again when his eyes drop back to Jensen’s mouth, and then he’s kissing him. It’s not pushy or urgent, just a simple, deliberate press of lips, but Jensen burns up at the touch.

Jared pulls back, then kisses him again, quick, before taking a step away. Jensen’s eyes flutter open and _goddamn_ Jared looks good.

“Okay? Jared checks in, and Jensen is nodding again right away.

“Yeah,” Jensen finally finds his voice enough for that, and Jared opens the door of the cab.

“I’ll text you? And we can pick a day?” Jensen makes himself ask as he crawls into the car, cane first, then sits and looks back up at Jared.

“Please,” Jared answers, still wearing that smile that makes Jensen feel dumb and clumsy. Well, dumber and clumsier, Christ.

“Okay,” Jensen agrees.

“Good night, Jensen.”  
  
“Good night, Jared.”  
  
Jared shuts the door, and Jensen puts on his seatbelt, tells the driver where to take him.

He watches Jared wave from the curb, the wind blowing his hair in his face, and he feels as though he’s just lived a day of someone else’s life. He stares blankly out of the window long after Jared disappears from view, and he tries to find a word for what he’s feeling, and all he can come up with is… happy.

God, Dr. Rhodes is going to have a fucking field day with this. And that’s only if he survives telling Danneel about it.

\---

When Jensen unfolds himself from the cab in front of his building, it’s as though the entire day has caught up with him. His leg is stiff and aching furiously. It takes real work and he moves slowly as he makes his way to the old elevator at the back of the lobby which was the primary factor for their having chosen this apartment in the first place.

Once inside, he leans heavily against the wall, taking as much weight off his leg as he can manage, and sighs.

What a day. _What a day_.

He can’t remember the last time he worked himself so hard – the last time he hurt quite like this – but it’s been even longer since he felt so light, so undeniably _happy_. He almost needs to see Danneel just to have her pinch him, make sure he isn’t dreaming or maybe dead.

Before the fire happened, Jensen was living his best life, okay? He was young, and fit, a rookie firefighter after a lifetime of being that little kid determined to be one when he grew up. He was whip smart and strong and was making friends with other guys at the station. They worked together, trained together, went out together – and Jensen did alright. He was a good looking guy, if he was being honest. There was really no two ways about it, humility notwithstanding.

So when it happened, Jensen had been between relationships. He’d been enjoying himself. But what it meant was, there was no one special – not like that, even though there was always his family, and Danneel – waiting for him when he woke up. No one to say they still loved him anyway, no matter how the fire had ravaged the right side of his face, scarring the tissue and leaving him with a swirling mess of thick skin and broken nerves.

Jensen spent a long time after the fire immobile in a hospital bed, followed by a long time confined to hospital while undergoing intensive physical therapy to regain some control of his right leg, which had been burned more severely than the rest of him. After a while more, he had been allowed to go home, but he still needed a lot of therapy and pain management, and enough time had passed he’d really lost touch with all his buddies at the station – pushed them away, he can admit now, since being with Dr. Rhodes. Only Danneel was still aggressively inserting herself into his life, even if the incident had made him as ugly a person as he believed his scars left him. 

It’s been long enough now, Jensen knows he has himself to blame for a lot, and he owes Danneel more than he can ever repay her – loves her more than he can ever put into words – for not letting him push her away even though he definitely tried. Jensen lived on his own at first, but that gave him too much time alone with himself. He spent a couple years slowly fading away, letting Danneel in as little as he could get away with. It was only after he put himself in hospital again – this time intentionally – and a stint in psychiatry, that home became this apartment with Danneel.

That’s also when he started seeing Dr. Rhodes, and taking medication not just for his muscle pains but his brain, which he perhaps had been neglecting, and as grumpy as he is, things have been looking up ever since. Now, in Jensen’s case, looking up meant he no longer wanted to give up on life, and he was beginning to think there might still be a point to it at all. In no way did that mean Jensen had entertained the thought he might meet someone, _really_ meet someone, and they might be interested in _him_.

So with that in mind, today has been… unreal. Completely unexpected.

Jensen’s first kiss in seven years. Holy shit.

He limps his way to their door and leans against it as he digs his keys out of his pocket. Everything aches but he knows there’s a dumbass grin on his face that’s going to give him away the second Danneel looks at him. The lock gives with the turn of his key and he takes a deep breath, resigned to whatever’s about to go down, and steps inside.

Danneel is sitting on their couch in her pajamas, legs tucked under her, and a book in her hands. When Jensen looks over at her, she’s looking at him over the rim of her glasses, one eyebrow raised in question and smile from ear to ear. Jensen dramatically huffs and rolls his eyes and he uses taking off his coat as an excuse to turn away from her and hide his own smile, the one he can’t seem to put away.

“Don’t you huff at me, Ackles!” She shouts with a laugh, and Jensen hears her toss the book aside and get up. “This is friggin’ exciting, okay? You went out. With people! Not me people!”

Jensen can’t help but laugh at her, genuine as she is, because she doesn’t even know the half of it but he can _feel_ the energy just pouring off her.

His coat hung up, he turns and heads for the couch, shouldering past her, but winces with the movement and grabs for his thigh.

“Jen, you okay?” Danneel’s tone is instantly different, serious and concerned as she reaches for him, wrapping an arm around him to help.

“Yeah, I– it was just a really long day.” Jensen hisses as they move toward the couch, letting her guide him there, and then sighs, relieved, once he sits down, his right leg stretched out in front of him.

“I’ll say!” Danneel agrees, sitting down next to him. “I can’t remember the last time you were out of the apartment so long.”

She doesn’t laugh when she says it, it’s not judgmental or rude, just something they both know that Jensen is well enough to admit is a pretty big milestone. He nods in agreement and they sit in silence together, a weighted quiet that Jensen is drawing out just to see how long Danneel can last. It’s not long before Jensen is biting his lip to keep from smiling and Danneel is leaning forward to look at him. 

“ _So_?” She drags out, and the longer she looks at him, the less Jensen can fight it. He knows he’s smiling hugely by the time he makes himself look at her, and her eyes are going wide because this isn’t a face he’s made at her lately at all, and he knows she’s starting to freak out.

“What–? _Jensen!_ What is this?! Why– _did something happen?!_ ” She can barely get any proper question out at all, torn between yelling at him and demanding information, but still she manages to impossibly guess, because of course she does.

Jensen sighs, shaking his head at her. “Well, you gonna let me tell you or what?”  
  
“ _Jensen!_ ” She flails, full on, hands waving in the air as she bounces on the couch, jostling him, and then swats him – not hard – on the arm.  
  
“Alright, alright,” he gives up, and she settles, elbows on her knees and her chin in her hands.

“So the place is pretty great. Shitty part of town, of course, but they’ve put a lot into it to spruce it up, make it welcoming. The two people who run it are so young, Danneel. Twenty one. And they run this soup kitchen which is basically a full time gig. They pour their hearts and souls into it, it’s…” he pauses for a moment, feels that twinge of shame that’s so familiar when he thinks about the last seven years, but makes himself let it go. “Inspiring. It made me want to be there. But it is a lot of work. The other volunteers come in either for lunch _or_ dinner, but I was there for both, and with my leg… it was just a lot. I was more than ready to come home when everything was said and done but…”

Jensen pauses, not intentionally for effect, but seriously because he isn’t sure what to say about it, about Jared.

“ _But?!_ ” Danneel presses him, on the verge of flailing again.

Jensen pushes his tongue against the inside of his bottom lip, shakes his head a little. Once he tells her there’s no going back. She’s a dog with a bone, and this one is going to be just too good.

“But the one guy who runs it, Jared. He… well, it was Gen, his friend, who said they wanted to take me out, but he’s really, really nice. To _me_ . And I couldn’t say no? So I went to dinner. And it was nice. They’re easy to hang out with. And then Gen left, so it was just me and Jared and…”  
  
Danneel’s eyes are big as saucers and Jensen can’t help but drag this out. He’s enjoying this way too much.

“ _AND!?_ _Jensen Ackles, I swear to god–!_ ”

“And he kissed me.”  
  
Jensen says it in a rush, his face getting hot as it breaks into that grin again. Danneel’s eyes get impossibly bigger and then– 

“Jensen, _oh my god_!” She practically shrieks, and she swats his arm again. Twice.

“Hey!” He leans away from her, laughing, and she’s laughing, too.

“I don’t _believe_ this!” She keeps flailing, and Jensen tries to look offended but it’s half-assed at best. “No, I mean, of course I can. You know what I mean. Not that no one wants to kiss you, Jesus, Jensen. But– it’s just– you haven’t gone anywhere you haven’t been basically forced to in years and then today– and this guy– _and you kissed someone_!”

She can’t seem to stop talking and somewhere in there she stood up, and she has both of Jensen’s hands in her own. She doesn’t tug him to his feet on account of his leg, but she’s dancing around and Jensen is still at her mercy, arms waving, and he’s still laughing.

When she finally gets it out of her system, she flops back down on the couch next to him, head on his shoulder.

“Jensen Ackles, you _kissed_ someone today,” she says proudly. Jensen chuckles.

“I did kiss someone today,” he echoes, letting himself sound a little proud, too. “Or, well, he really did kiss me. It was pretty quick. But he also said he wanted to take me out. On a date. So…”  
  
“You said yes, obviously,” Danneel states, just the hint of question in her voice, vaguely threatening as if to say _don’t you dare tell me you turned him down_.

Jensen chuckles. “Of course I did.”  
  
“Of course I did– Jensen! You say like it’s fucking obvious. Like I wouldn’t put it past you to say no to something that’s good for you,” Danneel chides, and she has a point.

“Yeah, alright. Fair. But I did say yes,” Jensen gives her that. “He, uh, gave me his number. So we can set something up.”  
  
Jensen feels so _human_ right now. Sharing this with Danneel, being _excited_ about something. Feeling… seen but not hating it. Maybe even feeling wanted. Maybe even feeling _worthy_. It’s a bit overwhelming but it feels good, and he turns his phone over in his hand.

“Tell me about him?” Danneel asks softly, eager, for herself but maybe also because she feels it, too, wants to let this moment stretch on. Jensen isn’t ready to call it a night on this either.

“Well, he’s twenty one, like I said. It sounds young but god knows he’s got more figured out that I do,” Jensen laughs, self-deprecating but true. “He and Gen were in foster care together. They’re both orphans, I guess. They were still in high school when they opened House of Hope with help from their foster dad. He just finished a business degree, which he did all while still running the kitchen. He’s just… amazing. Everything he’s done. And he’s so kind. I spent all day watching him interact with people who have so little, some of who are really rough around the edges, you know? But it doesn’t matter to him. He’s kind, and cheerful, and it’d be annoying – just like you,” he glares at her playfully, “except for how friggin’ nice it is. And he just kept looking at me today… not like, not how people usually look at me, you know? It was more like… I’d catch him looking at me, and then he’d smile, and _god_ , he has this smile, Danneel. It’s unfairly beautiful. Like looking at the sun, Jesus.”  
  
Danneel is quiet a moment, long enough Jensen tilts his head down to look at her.

“What?” he asks when he sees the sort of awed look on her face.

“You are properly smitten,” she teases. Jensen scoffs.

“No, you are. The look on your face when you talk about him,” she shakes her head, and Jensen figures she’s probably right, even if he’s not going to admit it.  
  
“I missed seeing you like this,” she adds, serious, and Jensen sobers up a little at the emotion there. He swallows hard.

“I missed feeling like this,” Jensen agrees, barely a whisper, and Dr. Rhodes is going to say he made big progress today. He can feel it.

Danneel just snuggles in closer and reaches for his closest hand, threading their fingers together on his leg. It’s comfortable, and nice, and Jensen is content to stay there and just enjoy it, but the next thing he knows, he’s yawning.

Danneel sees out of the corner of her eye, and she yawns, too.

“You want help to bed?” She asks after.

There was a time when Jensen would have lashed out at the offer, too angry at too much to realize it’s okay to get help. _Everybody needs help sometimes, Jensen. And that looks different for every person_ , Dr. Rhodes had said, one of the big things she worked on with him at the beginning.

“Yeah, thanks,” Jensen accepts, and Danneel smiles as she stands up, reaching out for him with both hands.

Danneel pauses in front of the bathroom but Jensen shakes his head and she carries on. He is too tired and in too much pain to bother with any kind of bathroom routine. He leans heavily on Danneel, his right foot barely skimming the floor as they make it to his room. He sits down on the edge of his bed, cell phone in one hand and his cane in the other, and Danneel kneels down at his feet.

“Danni, you don’t–”  
  
“I know,” she cuts him off and looks up at him while undoing his boots. “But you’re hurting, Jensen. C’mon, just shut up and let me.”  
  
Jensen raises both hands in surrender and lets himself flop backwards on the bed while Danneel tugs off each boot and tosses them aside. She makes a dramatic show of helping him swing his legs up and over onto the mattress, and Jensen plays along, flopping around. It makes her laugh, and Jensen laughs with her, feeling better than he has in a long, long time.

“You get yourself undressed,” she decides, and leaves him to it.

“Yes I can,” Jensen agrees. “Thanks.”  
  
“Jen, babe,” she looks at him seriously from the door and he knows where she’s going next.  
  
“Danni…” he says warningly.  
  
“I know, but you are really going to regret it tomorrow if you don’t. How are you even supposed to sleep through this kind of pain? Don’t–” she steps forward with a finger up when he opens his mouth again. “Don’t fight me tonight, Jensen. Just. Take a pill, please.”  
  
Jensen stares at her silently a moment, stewing. He knows she’s right. It really has been a long time since he hurt like this, and just as long since the last time he took any prescription medication, after much more protestation on his part.  
  
“This is why you have me keep them, okay? It’s just one pill. That’s it. You know, you _know_ , that I won’t let anything happen,” Danneel continues gently.  
  
Jensen’s firm expression softens as he reluctantly relents. He nods once and she disappears through the doorway to get a single Vicodin tablet from the safe in her closet.  
  
Jensen sighs and reassures himself of what she just said, what he does know to be true, even if it’s still a little scary. When he hit bottom before, it was too easy. He was already abusing the Vicodin, in truth, and he’d just had the prescription filled. He took them all. It’s a miracle he survived, actually. If Danneel hadn’t randomly been on her way over to check on him, if she wasn’t a nurse, if she didn’t know how to properly do CPR… ‘if’ a lot of things. He came very close, but the real miracle is that she’s still fucking here, taking care of his stupid ass after he put her through that. Danneel is the proof to Jensen that someone up there wants him to stick around here and figure his shit out, if Jensen is being completely honest.  
  
After he came out of it, once he was awake again, still beyond broken and in a shit headspace, it was different enough that he could look at her, the tears on her face, and swear to her he was never taking another prescription medication again. Didn’t want them. The pain could be awful but at least he could _think_ .  
  
They had only been living together a few weeks when he had some pain that put him back in the hospital, by ambulance no less, since he couldn’t move to save his life. They consulted with the ER physician and then with Dr. Rhodes, who Jensen had only been seeing for a few weeks, too, and agreed a very limited prescription for times like these would be acceptable, but Jensen had insisted Danneel be its keeper. He knows the PIN for her debit card and the password for her emails but the safe combination remains a mystery.

Danneel returns with the little white pill in the palm of one hand and a glass of water in the other.  
  
“Thanks,” Jensen mumbles as he takes both from her. She watches as he swallows it down, then drinks the entire glass in one go.  
  
“Okay?” she takes the empty glass back.  
  
“Yeah,” Jensen admits, thankful she insisted as his thigh throbs sharply despite his stillness. He grabs her arm as she turns to go. “Really, thank you.”  
  
She smiles at him, it’s big and beautiful and he doesn’t think he’ll ever feel worthy of it. She leans down to kiss his forehead, and Jensen lets her go.   
  
She pauses at the threshold, looking back at him. “Love you, Jenny Bean.”  
  
She winks as Jensen finally grins at her, at that stupid nickname she’s been calling him since they were chasing each other around their neighbourhood playground.  
  
“Love you, too. Good night.”  
  
“Night.” She pulls the door shut behind her.

Jensen just lays there a moment, comfortable, before beginning the task of stripping out of his clothes. The shirt’s not so bad, but the pants take a minute and some substantial wiggling as well as painful bending, so when it’s done and everything’s scattered somewhere on his floor, Jensen flops back down and has to catch his breath.

On a different day, Jensen might have been mad about how much pain he was in right now, or how difficult it was just to get undressed because of the pain and the accompanying tightness in his leg, but not tonight.

He rolls over, wrapping himself in his duvet, and smiles into the dark, waiting for the Vicodin to take effect, and letting himself think about Jared, and the stories behind the beautiful boy with the tattoos and piercings and heart of gold.

It kicks in about thirty minutes later, and as the pain eases and Jensen feels that familiar kind of floaty, he falls asleep easily. He dreams of bright eyes and dimples.

\---

Jensen wakes up slowly, then finds himself confused at how _bright_ it is in his room.  
  
“The hell time is it…?” He mumbles to himself as he stretches and reaches for his phone on his night stand, hissing when the movement pulls the muscles in his leg painfully, and the soreness seeps into his consciousness. He groans as his fingers close around the smooth case.  
  
He blinks as he relaxes back onto his bed and holds the phone above his face.  
  
_11:17?!_ How is it so– Jensen is just about to fully freak about how late he slept, because apparently his body was thoroughly _done_ after yesterday, when he sees the notification under the time: _Three (3) messages from Jared Padalecki_ .  
  
“Oh shit,” Jensen is all the way awake in the next moment, forcing himself to sit up in bed and fumbling with his phone as he gets comfortable so he can open the texts. His stomach flutters as he unlocks the homescreen and he can’t believe how much he feels like a freakin’ teenager with a crush. He’s glad no one is watching him right now.  
  
Jared, 08:23am: _hey_ _  
_ _  
_ Jared, 08:24am: _Gen would be so mad if she knew I messaged you already, apparently you’re supposed to wait or something???_ _  
_ _  
_ Jared, 08:25am _: anyway that’s dumb. Woke up thinking about you, so. Figured i’d say it since it was nice. Hope this is a continuation of the good surprises haha i’m gonna shut up now_  
  
Jensen’s face is split in two by another of those smiles that Jared seems so good at bringing out, and then the time at the top corner of his screen makes him groan.  
  
His thumbs go to the screen and he’s about to answer Jared and then –

He just hovers with his fingers above the keys. What the fuck is he supposed to say? He wants to apologize for taking so damn long to answer, but is that too presumptuous? Maybe Jared hasn’t spared his phone – or Jensen – a second thought since the texts? Jensen _also_ woke up thinking about Jared, didn’t stop thinking about him actually, had some _nice_ dreams, Jesus, but he’s not going to say _that_ . His face is warm just thinking about it, so he quickly thinks back to the problem at hand, but everything he starts to type he ends up deleting.  
  
“I’m a thirteen year old girl,” he laments to himself, then groans loudly, overly dramatic, and falls back on the bed, phone still in hand.  
  
There’s a gentle knock on his bedroom door and Jensen groans even louder now.  
  
“Jen, you okay in there?” Danneel’s voice is muffled through the wood but he can still her teasing. It’s fine, he deserves it. He’s being pathetic.  
  
“No,” he huffs, and the door opens. Danneel must be a little confused by what she sees, because her one eyebrow goes up.  
  
“What exactly seems to be the problem, Sleeping Beauty?”  
  
Jensen huffs again and hands her his phone, flopping his other arm over his eyes so he can’t watch her.  
  
There’s a beat of silence and then she whistles, long and low, and Jensen can’t help but lift his arm up and look at her then. “What?”  
  
“Dude,” Danneel starts, coming over to sit on the edge of his bed. Jensen sits up. “This guy _likes_ you.”  
  
Jensen frowns at her a little, eyebrows knit together. “Well, yeah. He did ask me on a date.”  
  
Danneel looks at him, deadpan. “Uh huh. I know that, thanks. But these texts! Did you even _read_ them? Or is that the problem? You read them and it’s too much. Is it too much?”  
  
“What?” Jensen startles, confused. Too much? Is that– should it be? “No? I don’t know what to say back, that’s the problem. It’s not too much. Is it too much?”  
  
Danneel laughs at him then, and he can’t help the way he glowers back. “Babe, you’re the one who decides if it’s too much. But I’m just saying. He _likes_ you. And he’s not worried about you knowing. I like him.”  
  
Danneel’s final tone is approving, and Jensen tries to stay grumpy as he snatches the phone back, but her words echo in his mind and he finds that he likes the thought. He hopes she’s right.  
  
“Still don’t know what to say,” Jensen mumbles, and Danneel rolls her eyes.  
  
“Jensen Ackles, you’re a thirteen year old girl!” Danneel exclaims, and Jensen can’t say anything to that because, well, yes. He sighs, acknowledging defeat.  
  
“Quit overthinking it,” Danneel says next, kindly. “Jared isn’t. Just… go with what feels right.”  
  
Jensen stares at her a moment because that is… terrifying? Was he like this before? He can’t have been like this before…. He tries to remember, but the details are foggy after being forcibly repressed for so long. He sighs again, still defeated.  
  
“Okay.” Resigned, he opens the messages, rereads them and smiles again despite himself.  
  
Jensen, 11:24am: _hey_

He hits send and feels dumb, except that’s how Jared started, so he tries not to get held up, instead, keeps typing.  
  
Jensen, 11:24am _: sorry I slept so late. Yesterday took a lot out of me_

He pauses before he continues, then makes himself follow through. Danneel is sitting there watching him, and it’s what he _wants_ to say.  
  
Jensen, 11:25am _: definitely still a good surprise. Been thinking about you too_  
  
He sends it and throws his phone into his duvet so he can stop thinking about it all together. Danneel laughs at him.  
  
“I can’t believe I almost forgot what a damn drama queen you are,” Danneel grins. Jensen bristles briefly but the feeling is quickly overtaken by the recognition that he really doesn’t remember, and Danneel really does. It hurts, all of a sudden. Does she compare him now to him then? How can’t she? And isn’t that what Jensen is trying to avoid by pushing his past away so much that he can’t even _see_ it clearly anymore?  
  
“Jensen,” she interrupts his derailing thoughts with a gentle hand on his knee, and he blinks up at her.  
  
“Where’d you go?” she whispers, and Jensen takes a deep, shaky breath.  
  
“I was like this before?” He makes himself ask, even if he has to look away from her.  
  
“Babe,” she says, and then she’s up on her knees on his bed, shimmying close enough to hug him to her. She just holds him a long moment. “You’re the same person, and you’re not. That’s not good or bad, it just is. And it’s _okay_ . Don’t go there. Just let yourself _be_ , Jensen.”  
  
Jensen laughs wetly against her arm. She and Dr. Rhodes might as well be the same damn person. Danneel obviously missed her calling. Or has been having secret meetings with Jensen’s therapist.  
  
Danneel leans back and waits stubbornly for Jensen to look at her.  
  
“Listen to me, Jen. You didn’t die in that fire. You _didn’t die_ . Whatever you’re mourning… you are _alive_ . And you’ve been through it, friend. So you can’t expect to be that dude you were before. But that’s the beautiful thing about life. You can grow and change. I mean, you’re basically a goddamn phoenix.”  
  
Jensen snorts as her spiel catapults past the area of dangerously sappy entirely into the far off realm of absurdly cheesy.  
  
“No, Jensen, stop,” Danneel chides him even as she starts laughing, too. “I mean it! You _actually_ rose from the ashes, babe. Stop looking at it like an end and see it for the beginning it is, okay?”  
  
“God, just stop, Danni,” Jensen is teetering over the edge into hysterics now, and Danneel isn’t far behind him, if she is trying to be serious. She manages to collect herself and stands up, making for the door. Jensen looks at his phone where it’s laying on the bed and bites his lip.  
  
“Don’t obsess. He’ll answer when he answers. Come eat breakfast already, Jesus.”  
  
She disappears through the doorway and Jensen slides his feet to the floor, flexing his toes and stretching his achy leg, kneading the muscle of his thigh. His stomach is rumbling, so food is probably a good idea. Then his phone buzzes.  
  
He swipes it off the duvet and he’s smiling before he even reads the message.

Jared, 11:30am _: hey no worries, glad you got some rest. Feeling okay today I hope?_

  
Then another pops up while Jensen is still reading.  
  
Jared, 11:30am _: it’s nice to be thought of ;) :)_ _  
_ _  
_ Jensen can hear Danneel moving pots around in the kitchen and his stomach grumbles at the hope of maybe pancakes, or at least eggs. He doesn’t let himself think about it, just replies like Danneel said. 

Jensen, 11:31am _:_ _I’ll live_ _  
__  
_ Jensen, 11:31am _: not mad about it either_ _  
__  
_ Jensen is still contemplating if he wants to say something else when another new message pops up.  
  
Jared, 11:32am: _maybe just lunch OR dinner next time. You can always just come by more often if you want to help out the same._

Jared, 11:32am _: if that’s better, I mean. Or not, if you don’t. You do what you want, obvsly haha yep shutting up again_

Jensen laughs a little. He can hear how Jared would sound saying that, imagines he’d be putting his fingers through that hair of his right about now, too.  
  
Jensen, 11:33am _: no you’re probably right. I can be a bit stubborn. I probably should’ve taken off after lunch yesterday lol_ _  
_ _  
_ Jared, 11:34am _: ...but you didn’t? :)_ _  
_ _  
_ Jensen laughs a little nervously, looking around like a dummy even though he’s alone. Jared’s not going to let him get away with much, obviously. Maybe… maybe that’s good, even if Jensen’s not sure how he feels about another Danneel-type in his life.  
  
He takes a deep breath.  
  
Jensen, 11:36am _: but I didn’t_ _  
_ _  
_ Jensen, 11:36am _: <3 _  
  
With that, Jensen puts his phone down so he can grab his sweatpants off the floor and tug them on. Breakfast. He has to eat breakfast. And clean himself up, Jesus, his mouth is disgusting. He’s got to be at Dr. Rhodes’ office in less than two hours, and he’s not usually still in bed now.  
  
He shakes his head – nothing has felt _usual_ since he walked into House of Hope yesterday – and grabs his cane, sighing a little at the relief of taking the weight off his leg and having he comforting fitted wood against his palm. At the doorway, his phone buzzes in his pocket and he pauses to take it out, leaning against the jamb.  
  
Jared, 11:38am _: :) <3 _ _  
_ _  
_ “Figured it out then?” Danneel chirps, and Jensen snaps his head up, shoving his phone away and trying to mute the stupid look on his face with little success.  
  
“Shut up,” he throws back, not particularly smart, and he retreats to the bathroom amidst the sound of her delighted laughter.

  
\---

  
“Good morning, Jensen,” Dr. Rhodes says as he steps inside her office. She smiles at him warmly, and he nods at her with a little wave before starting to take off all his outer layers.  
  
“Morning,” he replies, and when his hat, coat, and scarf are hung on the hook by the door, he takes a seat in his usual chair across from her. Her notepad and pen are loose in her lap, and she just watches him.  
  
Her one eyebrow, the decorated one, goes up after a moment in question. He can hear the _so?_ that’s coming, but he can’t help it. He bites his lip to try and contain it, but he’s starting to smile, big and dumbly, and her eyes go big.  
  
“Looks like you have some stuff to tell me,” she sits back, looking smug, and Jensen huffs despite his stupid, betraying face.  
  
He’s not sure where to start, honestly. She wants to know about his experience at the soup kitchen, but… that’s not actually what he wants to talk about.  
  
“How well do you know Jared?” he asks, and Dr. Rhodes looks surprised by the question. Jared had called her Kim, and she had simply suggested he was ‘a friend of a friend.’ Jensen couldn’t help but wonder.  
  
“Um, I, well. I’ve known Jared a while, yes. I was his case worker, briefly. I didn’t stay in social work long, I found it emotionally challenging in a way I didn’t enjoy,” she pauses, as she often does when she shares something honest and personal. “But I know his foster father, the one he ended up with, finally. Jeff Morgan. So I saw Jared again even after I moved exclusively into therapy. He and Jeff are close still, even though Jared aged out, and Jeff remains heavily involved with Jared’s kitchen. I still see Jared occasionally, though I haven’t since… probably last Christmas. He’s an inspiring guy. Why?”  
  
She counters his question with a question, typical. Jensen isn’t surprised anymore, but he can’t bitch either, since she did answer his.  
  
“Did you know he’s gay?”  
  
Jensen feels little smug when she blinks back at him, a little caught off guard, and then she looks thoughtful.  
  
“Honestly? I don’t think I _knew_ that, per se. I mean,” she shrugs. “It just never came up. It obviously came up yesterday.”  
  
She has that tone when she says it, she’s interested, but maybe she already knows where this is going.  
  
“It did, yeah,” Jensen exhales with a chuckle, and there’s the ghost of Jared’s lips against his, and–  
  
“Jensen Ackles, are you– are you _blushing_ in my office?” Dr. Rhodes accuses him playfully, with a hand on her chest in mock surprise, as if such phenomenon were up to now unheard of.  
  
It makes Jensen laugh a little more in earnest.  
  
“Maybe,” Jensen admits, clutching on to the handle of his cane even though he’s sitting and it’s just resting against his leg. He’s watching Dr. Rhodes carefully, and sees that she sees him watching, sees her eyes drop to his white-knuckles, and though she still smiles, she settles, and looks more serious.  
  
“You don’t want to talk about the soup kitchen today,” she states gently. It’s not a question.  
  
Jensen shakes his head a little, then reconsiders. “I feel… like I have a lot to talk about. I’ve been dreading coming here today more than normal but… I also…” Jensen sighs, resigned. Dr. Rhodes always gets so giddy when he uses her therapy lingo at her. “Really wanted to talk about what else happened. Because I feel like yesterday I took a lot… of really big leaps.”  
  
As predicted, when Jensen dares to look at her, she’s grinning in that way that she does. She waves a hand to gesture for him to continue.  
  
“Okay well, to get it out of the way, the soup kitchen is really great. It was still hard, and I still had a moment of panic when I had to go interact with people but…” he thinks about how understanding Jared was, and how he was able to just follow his lead. “It was not a disaster. And, I’m sure this was your intention, but obviously those people made me feel as though I was still really fuckin’ fortunate, okay? Message received. And Jared and Gen are,” he shakes his head and sighs again. “They’re amazing. What they do is amazing. And it felt good to be even a little bit part of it.”  
  
Jensen would say Dr. Rhodes is trying not to outright beam at him, but that would be a lie. He rolls his eyes to deflect the emotion he feels at the pride he sees in her eyes.  
  
“So you’re going to go back to the kitchen then?”  
  
Jensen scoffs. “Did I ever have a choice?”  
  
Dr. Rhodes’ expression changes, reading _you know the answer to that_ loud and clear.  
  
“Yes, I’m going to go back,” Jensen confirms, overly dramatic because it should be obvious, but his stomach is already fluttering about what’s coming next. “And… Jared… asked me on a date.”  
  
Jensen has to give her credit. He expected the same kind of over the top jubilant reaction he gets when he shares big things with her. Instead, her face is unusually schooled into something almost neutral. It makes him suddenly anxious, his nervous system flooded with doubt. His hand flexes on the cane handle.  
  
“How do you feel about that?” she asks, and Jensen baulks. He _hates_ that question. His expression must be as sour as he thinks it is because she relents with a huff. “You were expecting a particular reaction from me. This is _new_ , Jensen. You gotta start us off. What did you say?”  
  
“I said yes,” Jensen answers plainly. He stubbornly doesn’t add anything else. He knows he’s being childish, but it stings a little, if he’s being honest, that she doesn’t seem happy for him.  
  
She tries waiting him out, but they’ve played this game before, and Dr. Rhodes hates to see him waste his time with her, even if he is being a shithead. She throws her hands up in defeat.  
  
“Alright, Jensen,” she gives in. “You were thinking about him when I caught you blushing, obviously?”  
  
She says _obviously_ but there’s still a question there, so Jensen has to say _something_ . Those are the rules.  
  
“Well, yeah,” he snaps, and Dr. Rhodes looks at him thoughtfully.  
  
“You’re upset with me,” she states and he rolls his eyes. Obvious again. “Okay, tell me why.”  
  
Jensen grumbles. “I thought– I was… excited to tell you. I hate that, okay? I hate that when we’re standing on the curb outside the bar – yes, _I_ went to a bar – and he’s about to kiss me, I’m thinking about your goddamn leaps of faith. I spent the cab ride home thinking this is… big. It feels big. And I’m fucking terrified. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, but I was excited to tell you. Jared kissed me. And. I like him. God, I barely fucking know him but I like him, and I don’t know what the hell he sees in me. It doesn’t feel real– how can it be real? But someone… someone maybe likes me and I don’t know why but… I _wanted_ to tell you.”  
  
He takes a shaky breath and Dr. Rhodes just keeps looking at him. She knows there’s more, she always fucking knows, but Jensen feels like he’s ripping open right now. She would say that’s progress, too, but it’s high up on the Things Jensen Hates list.  
  
“I want to believe it’s real. I–” he swallows thickly. “I need your help believing it. And… I’m so fucking scared. What am I doing? Is this a horrible mistake? Am I ready for this? Ugh!” Jensen lets go of his cane so he can bury his face in his hands, frustrated.  
  
“Do you feel ready? I can’t tell you that, Jensen,” Dr. Rhodes answers, completely unhelpful.  
  
“I don’t fucking know,” Jensen laments. “I hadn’t thought about this in a long time, okay? I kind of figured I was destined to be a grumpy, ugly asshole and Danneel would be the only one to ever put up with me. And then Jared is– he looks at me like–”  
  
Jensen trips over the words, even the thoughts, and his hands flail uselessly between them.  
  
“Like you’re not a grumpy, ugly asshole?” Dr. Rhodes offers gently, and Jensen chokes on a sob.  
  
He swallows hard but it doesn’t stop the tears from welling up in his eyes. He sniffles and rubs the back of his hand across his face aggressively. He doesn’t look at her but he nods because of course she’s right, and she reaches out to softly hold the hand he’s put back on his cane.  
  
She doesn’t say anything for a long moment, giving Jensen a moment to collect himself, then sits back in her chair.  
  
“Yeah,” Jensen finally answers, voice rough and quiet. “When he looks at me, for a split second, I forget about the scars and my stupid leg and… I can’t remember if I’ve ever felt like that since it happened, you know? It’s… exhilarating. And fucking scary.”  
  
Dr. Rhodes nods knowingly. “We’ve talked about this before, Jensen. You use that as a shield. You hide behind this person you’ve decided you are, and if Jared is seeing through that… of course it’s scary. You’re vulnerable in that moment. But if you let it, it can be reassuring. All the bad shit we think about ourselves isn’t true. When we’re vulnerable, that’s when we grow the most, and we can make meaningful connections with people. People who _see_ us.”  
  
Nothing she says is new. He’s heard her say it before, just not necessarily in the immediate context of Jensen getting a date. He takes a deep breath, and it’s less shaky now. He thinks about it, Jared’s beautiful fucking face when he looks at Jensen, and that fluttery feeling comes back. So does the blush.  
  
“It… feels really nice to be seen,” he whispers.  
  
“Of course it does,” she agrees warmly, and the pride is back in her eyes again. Jensen feels stupid and comforted all at once. What a goddamn mess.  
  
“So,” she grins now, the way Jensen had been expecting before, excited. “You’ve got a date then.”

\---

  
Jared, 10:11am _: I know I’m going to see you soon at hoh but_ _  
_ _  
_ Jared, 10:11am: _are you free tomorrow night? For our date_ _  
_ _  
_ Jared, 10:12am: _if you still want to_ _  
_ _  
_ Jared, 10:12am: _or tonight, if you’d be up for it after dinner service_

Jared, 10:13am _: or whatever i’m sorry I’ll stop now_ _  
_ _  
_ Jared, 10:14am: _you don’t have to answer this mess lol i’ll see you soon <3 _ _  
_  
Jensen laughs when he reads the barrage of texts, and opts for putting Jared out of his misery, even if he is getting ready to go to the kitchen.  
  
Jensen, 10:15am _: I definitely still want to. I’m thinking tonight could work, since I’m only gonna do lunch today_ _  
_  
Jared, 10:15am: _ok cool :) I can text when we’re closing up and see if you wanna meet somewhere_ _  
_  
Jensen, 10:16am _: perfect :) see you soon_

 _  
_  
\---

Jensen is surprised how much easier it is walking into House of Hope today, even though he’s only been there the one time before. He and Jared have been texting a lot over the last two days, and somehow their familiarity must be carrying over. Jensen feels the same tension when he unwraps his scarf and feels his face fully exposed to the world, but he ignores it and shrugs out of his coat.  
  
“Hey, Jensen,” Gen waves as she comes in the back door, followed by Jared, who is carrying armfuls of grocery bags.  
  
“Hey, Gen,” he answers a little distractedly, eyes on Jared. Jared beams at him as he puts all the bags down.  
  
“Hey,” Jared says, coming to stand in front of him. His face is every bit as pretty as Jensen remembered, and he can’t think of anything even remotely smart to say.  
  
“Hey,” Jensen echoes dumbly, and he laughs at how stupid he feels, but Jared only grins more.  
  
“Jesus, alright.” Gen sounds exasperated. “Dude doesn’t shut up about you for days and _now_ he’s speechless. Figures.”  
  
She huffs and disappears out the back door, maybe to get more from her car. Jared blushes bright red and his hand is on the back of his neck as he starts laughing now. Jensen’s stomach swoops.  
  
He grabs for Jared’s hand as he drops it and Jared freezes, eyes locked on Jensen’s. Fuck, Jensen wants to do it, but it’s possible all the bravery at his disposal is used up with that one, pathetic gesture. He drops his eyes to Jared’s mouth, and watches as his lips twitch up, understanding dawning.  
  
Jared leans in to kiss him, chaste, just like before, but he lingers there a little longer, and Jensen tries to remember to breathe. He does let go of Jared’s hand, and when Jared breaks the kiss, he stays close, in Jensen’s space.  
  
“Hey,” he says again, and Jensen laughs.  
  
“Hey,” he repeats, because now it seems like the thing to do, and Jared beams like he gets it.  
  
“It’s good to see you,” Jared adds, stepping back a bit, and Jensen is simultaneously sad for it but also able to breathe better.  
  
Jensen opens his mouth to say the same, when Gen comes back inside, obviously having heard.  
  
“It _is_ good to see you. He can’t talk to me about you if he’s busy talking _to_ you instead,” she chirps in passing and Jared groans.  
  
“Would you _stop_ ?” he whines, and Jensen bites his lip, trying not to laugh at them.  
  
“Nope, no way,” she answers as she starts emptying the bags and putting things away.  
  
“Just– ignore her,” Jared pleads.  
  
“Ignore who?” Jensen asks innocently, playing along.  
  
Jared’s mouth opens to say something then closes in obvious confusion a moment until he gets it. “Ha, you’re good.”  
  
Jensen shrugs with a small smile.  
  
“Oh my god, do not make me police you two all day,” Gen turns towards them with her hands on her hips, looking surprisingly menacing for her diminutive stature. “We have shit to do. Get to it!”  
  
“Right! Yes ma’am,” Jared offers her a silly salute and shares a wide-eyed look with Jensen before turning his attention back to the food, but after Jared’s turned away Gen winks at Jensen. His cheeks get hot and quickly busies himself with the coffee station.  
  
The lunch service picks up quickly and goes by in a rush. They’re short a volunteer who didn’t show up so Jensen doesn’t shadow Jared this time. Jared looks apologetic as he leaves him to do a bunch on his own – not that Jared is ever far – but Jensen feels like his life is a lot of grabbing on with both hands and holding on for the ride lately. He manages, and even is pleasantly surprised when one of the familiar faces nods at him.  
  
“Jensen, right?” the guy asks. Jensen is almost positive his name was Billy.  
  
“Yeah, hey man,” Jensen answers with a wave. “How are you?”  
  
“Same old, same old,” he answers, and that’s the extent of it but it was oddly nice nonetheless.  
  
Another guy stares at him a little too long and Jensen feels his stomach twisting, but then the guy snaps out of it. “Sorry, dude. Those are friggin’ cool.”  
  
He gestures vaguely at the right side of his own face in case there was any doubt he’s talking about Jensen’s scars, and Jensen just blinks at him. _Cool?_  
  
“No disrespect, a’ course,” the guy adds quickly, then, more somberly, “bet they hurt.”  
  
Jensen’s instinct is to scoff at first but… the interaction feels so genuinely innocent, and it seems like a weird thing to… talk about like that? But it’s strangely refreshing. So instead, he just kind of nods back at him.  
  
“Yeah,” he answers, but quiet enough it’s mostly to himself, maybe heard by the next person in line waiting for a heaping couple ladlefuls of Gen’s chicken pot pie soup. He looks to his side then, and sees Jared is watching him from further down the line, distracted from the patron in front of him to look at Jensen with those damn eyes of his, kind and caring. Like he’s looking out for him or something. When Jensen catches his eye he smiles, too, as though he can sense Jensen’s okay, and then the patron in front of him is reaching over the counter.  
  
“Hello, earth to Jared!”  
  
Jared startles at that and laughs, finally looking away from Jensen. “Hey, sorry, Chad.”  
  
Jensen blushes a little and goes back to serving the soup.  
  
“He likes you,” the woman in front of him says, leaning in like it’s a secret.  
  
“What?” Jensen flusters to hear someone else say it, even if it’s not actually a surprise.  
  
“He _likes_ you,” she repeats, like Jensen is stupid. Jensen chuckles. He puts some soup in her bowl.  
  
“Yeah?” He asks, just to know. “What makes you say that?”  
  
“Boy, I’ve been coming here since Jared opened the place,” she explains, gesturing for more soup as she talks. Jensen gives her another spoon. “Never seen him look at anyone like that before.”  
  
She gives him a pointed look, obviously an authority on the subject. “Thanks.”  
  
“You’re welcome,” Jensen answers automatically, still warm in the face as he stares after her.  
  
“It’s Samantha,” she tosses back. “And _you’re_ welcome, hunnie.”  
  
Jensen just grins and shakes his head in disbelief. This place… these people. They’re something else.  
  
He likes it.  
  
When the rush is over, and they’re just finishing cleaning up, Jensen leans on the coffee counter while Gen punches the buttons on the big industrial washer for the dishes.  
  
“One for the road?” Jared pops up beside him and reaches for a paper cup.  
  
Jensen looks at his cheerful face and smiles despite how tired he is. Just the one service today, definitely. How did he stick out two of these?  
  
“Sure, thanks.”  
  
“How do you take it?” Jared asks as he pours some coffee.  
  
“Just black.” Jensen reaches for the cup and their fingers brush when he takes is. Even just that one little touch has those damn butterflies going in his stomach again, and Jared isn’t subtle when he lingers, fingers playing across Jensen’s knuckles.  
  
Jensen looks up at him and Jared ducks his head, makes them feel closer. 

“Um, what about you?” Jensen asks, just because he can’t think of something else to say, but he doesn’t want Jared to walk away yet. He knows there’s still a patron or two sitting at the tables on the dining side, and Gen is somewhere in the kitchen still, but Jensen’s world seems to narrow when Jared is so near.  
  
“Hm?” Jared hums in question, clearly not following Jensen’s train of thought, possibly distracted still by Jensen’s hand, since he’s kind of holding it around the coffee cup.  
  
“Your coffee?” Jensen laughs, and Jared seems to realize what he’s doing. It breaks the spell, and Jared lets go of his hand to run it through his hair.  
  
“Oh,” he blushes, laughing a little, too. “Sorry. Definitely not black. All the cream and sugar.”  
  
He gives Jensen two wagging thumbs up then, looking like such an overgrown puppy that Jensen can’t help but grin. He sips his coffee while Jared keeps laughing at himself.  
  
“What are you going to do on your break?” Jensen puts the to go lid on his coffee. He wants to get home and rest his leg, looking forward to their date tonight.  
  
“Ah, budget meeting. Jeff and I are sitting down with our accountant, actually. Gen has a big bunch of volunteers coming in so I might not come back for the dinner service, depending on how long this goes.”  
  
“Oh! Are you worried?” Jensen considers how Jared’s voice changed with the new topic.  
  
“Nah,” he brushes it off. “I mean, I just need to get through the next few years and then we’re set, really. My trust fund pays out at 25,” he explains. “My parents had planned for an emergency, I guess. Anyway, it’ll go a long way to making sure this place stays open a long-ass time. But in the meantime, fundraising’s the name of the game. After tonight I’ll have a better idea what my goals are going to need to be for next year, how on track we are, blah blah blah.”  
  
Jensen stares at him, a little awed, a little struck. Jensen makes do – very humbly, by the way – with his disability benefits, truthfully, in large part to Danneel making decent money as a nurse, and her paying the bulk of their rent. And here is Jared, being, well, _Jared_ , Jensen supposes.  
  
“Anyway, that is _not_ what I am even remotely focused on,” Jared changes the subject again as he follows Jensen to the back door where his coat is hanging up and his cane is propped up against the wall. “How’s your leg? Think… tonight is looking good, maybe? Don’t worry if it’s not though! God, I can wait ‘till tomorrow. I mean, if I gotta.”  
  
He looks sheepish but earnest and Jensen doesn’t know what he did to deserve the attention of this incredible person.  
  
“Honestly? I’m– it’s sore. I can’t believe I stuck out two of these the other day. And then dinner!” Jensen admits, and the colour in Jared’s cheeks deepend with his dimples. “But I do really want to see you again. Just you.”  
  
Jensen smiles, a little shy, and Jared looks too happy to be real.  
  
“You just text me when you’re free, alright?” Jensen tells him as he pulls on his coat, wrapping his scarf around his neck and pulling it up high over his face out of habit.  
  
“Damn right I will. Hey,” Jared steps in close and reaches up to Jensen’s face. Jensen is suddenly still, and Jared nods to ask for permission before tugging Jensen’s scarf back down once Jensen nods back.  
  
Jared tilts his face down and kisses Jensen again, and Jensen just closes his eyes and melts into it, floating through this dream that is apparently his life. Jared does that, makes him feel like he’s goddamn dreaming, instead of being stuck in the nightmare of his skin and his bum leg.  
  
Jared’s fingers slip inside Jensen’s scarf, easing along Jensen’s chin, and then his tongue teases at the seam of Jensen’s lips. Jensen shakes like there’s an earthquake where his heart is supposed to be, opening his mouth to let Jared in, and then–  
  
“Ahem,” Gen clears her throat loudly and they jump apart. She does look apologetic, but Jensen might actually start to melt his face gets to hot. “I hate to interrupt the disgustingly enviable PDA, but don’t you have a date later tonight? And don’t _you_ have a budget meeting to get to?”  
  
“Shit, yeah, I– I do have to go,” Jared fumbles out.  
  
“Yeah, of course. It’s okay. I’ll– I’ll see you later,” Jensen says, and it sounds way too much like he was being kissed two seconds ago. “Bye!”  
  
Jensen takes a step towards the door, leaning heavily on his cane. “See you, Gen!”  
  
“Later, Jensen!” She shoots back from behind Jared.  
  
Jensen has his hand on the push bar when Jared rushes towards him again.

“Sorry, so sorry,” he laughs. “God, later, right. Sorry. See you!” He dips in for another real quick kiss, then takes off to get his own stuff together, and Jensen steps dumbstruck into the street to head home.

  
\---

  
A fucking date. Jensen can’t even remember his last one. He was all nerves when he got home, even though he was supposed to be resting his leg, and Danneel had taken over, like she does – thankfully.  
  
“What are you guys even doing? Where’s he taking you?” She had grilled him, but Jensen didn’t know. Jared said he wanted to surprise him, promising it would all be accessible and not too strenuous. Danneel had raised her eyebrows at that and Jensen had thrown the nearby couch pillow at her. She had, however, laid out what clothes he should wear, and while he had bitched at her for it at the time he was secretly relieved not to have to think about it.  
  
She’s working the night shift tonight so she’s not with him now that he’s put it on and he’s glad she’s not there to see how ridiculous he’s being about it all.  
  
“Just– Jensen, listen to me,” she’d said seriously before leaving the apartment. “Please, _please_ , do not spend time staring at yourself in the mirror, okay? Your hair is fine as it is. Just put on the outfit on your bed. You will look amazing, trust me. You trust me?”  
  
Jensen had huffed. Of course he does. And yeah, she’s right, mirrors aren’t _always_ his friend, and today is decidedly not the day for a freak out, so. He huffed. And then rolled his eyes, and then said, _yes, I trust you._  
  
And so Jensen waits. He’s on the couch, leg up, cane resting against the arm, and the TV is on but Jensen is barely watching. It’s barely a distraction from the furious run of his thoughts, in circles around Jared and how tonight might go and how he might fuck it up and–  
  
_Buzz. Buzz buzz_ .  
  
His phone vibrates against the couch cushion and his leg where it’s slipped off his lap and he goes digging for it in a rush he’s glad Danneel isn’t watching.  
  
Jared, 4:38pm _: hey hey hey guess who’s free_ _  
_  
Jared, 4:38pm _: me, I’m free lol meeting wasn’t so bad_ _  
_ _  
_ Jared, 4:38pm _: soooo ?? :)_  
  
Jensen laughs. He does that a lot when Jared’s involved, it’s turning out. Jared’s excitement is catching.  
  
Jensen, 4:39pm _: nice and early! Almost like you were counting on dinner plans or something… ;)_ _  
_ _  
_ Jared’s reply is almost immediate.  
  
Jared, 4:39pm: _Is that a yes for tonight??? :D_ _  
_ _  
_ Jensen, 4:40pm: _yeah, it is :)_ _  
_ _  
_ Jared, 4:40pm _: !!!!_ _  
_ _  
_ Jared, 4:40pm _: amazing. I’ll be there in 20??_ _  
_ _  
_ Jensen’s stomach might do an actual somersault.  
  
Jensen, 4:41pm: _see you then :)_ _  
_ _  
_ It is the longest twenty minutes in the world, it has to be. Jensen can only pace their tiny apartment so much. He is strictly following Danneel’s orders and not hovering or obsessing over his outfit – snug jeans and a freshly pressed charcoal button down – or his face, but the impulse to go stand in front of the big mirror in her room is strong. After as long as he can stand – fifteen minutes, close enough – Jensen grabs his old leather jacket, and his scarf, and heads down to the street to wait out the remainder.  
  
Jensen takes the elevator down then exits the front doors. He’s reaching into his pocket for his sunglasses after he steps outside, still light enough out to warrant the added disguise, but he must misstep, because the next thing he knows someone has bumped into him, _hard_ , and he drops the shades back into his pocket, struggling to catch his balance.   
  
He’s barely caught his footing when the guy rounds on him, big and angry and full of that New York fire. Jensen looks up, ready to tell the guy sorry, except the guy doesn’t look like he wants to hear it. Instead, his eyes fall to Jensen’s face and go wide. For a moment, his mouth hangs open but no words come out, stunned, then–  
  
“Jesus, buddy. Get off the street with that mug.”  
  
The guy shakes his head and storms off, but Jensen barely even sees him disappear down the street.  
  
The stranger’s harsh words are a punch to the gut. For a long, anguished moment, Jensen can’t breathe. He can’t move, he can’t–  
  
His breath comes back in a big, desperate gulp, and then another, and another. He tries to swallow but it’s too much like choking. He’s taking great big heaving breaths, staggering a little even with his cane, and he’s starting to get lightheaded.  
  
_Get off the street with that mug_ .  
  
He turns around and finds himself face-to-face with his own reflection in the glass of the lobby windows. _That mug_ .  
  
He’s a cartoon villain. Half of his face is smooth, still sparsely-freckled skin, green eyes bright even though one doesn’t open the same as the other, the shape of his right lid changed forever by the fire. He’s completely uneven now, the right corner of his mouth _just_ missing the same treatment. The skin on that side is swirls of knots, waves of dark and light coloured tissue, almost shiny with the unnatural smoothness of the pore-less mess. His ear doesn’t look right anymore either, a little smaller than it should be, with less features, some of the flesh completely eaten away by flame. The scarring goes down along his neck, disappearing under his collar, and Jensen doesn’t need to see the reflection to see in his mind’s eye all the ruined skin along his side, the back of his right arm, and the thick, tough disaster that is his right leg.  
  
How– how did he _ever_ think he could inflict this on Jared? Jared, who has had a tough life but not let it hold him down like Jensen has. Jared, who is working his ass off to make the world a better place. Jared, who is so beautiful and comfortable in his own skin in a way Jensen doesn’t know how to relate to anymore. How can he walk down the street with Jared when he draws this kind of reaction from people? With _that mug?_  
  
He’s hyperventilating fully now, and the image of his face in the glass gets wibbly as his eyes water. He can’t do this. He takes the couple dizzy steps toward the door of his building.  
  
“Jensen! Jensen, wait!”  
  
He’s distantly aware of Jared’s voice coming from somewhere down the street but he doesn’t stop, doesn’t turn around. He closes the door behind him and heads to the elevator as quickly as he can manage between his leg and the panic attack that is moments from overwhelming him completely. Jared will be better off. Jared deserves so much more.

Jensen steps out of the elevator as the doors slide open. He can hear someone bounding up stairs in the nearby stairwell, and part of him knows it has to be Jared. He goes directly to his apartment door, cursing as he fumbles with his goddamn keys like a fucking choke artist.  
  
The key is finally in the lock when Jared bursts through the door into the hallway. Jensen refuses to let himself look back at him, just hurries to open the door. There’s a voice at the back of his mind calling him a coward. He can’t tell if it sounds more like Dr. Rhodes, Danneel, or himself.

“Jensen, what–”  
  
“Jared, please, just–” Jensen makes a sound of frustration and turns away from the door, away from Jared. “Just go.”  
  
Jared pushes his way into the apartment and Jensen knew he would, of course he would. He huffs again and continues walking away, leaning on his cane, until Jared reaches for him.

“Jensen, _Jensen_ , stop–” he doesn’t pull hard or tug, and his grip is soft, if firm, but the touch makes Jensen freeze. He recoils – as much as he can while Jared is still holding on – but Jared only loosens his grip and comes to stand in front of him. “Please, please don’t shut me out. Whatever I did, I’m sorry. If something happened, let’s talk about it. Just, give me another chance. _Please_ .”  
  
Jensen’s eyes snap up to Jared’s face at that, the pleading in his voice. Jared hasn’t done a damn thing to apologize for, the opposite, in fact, and Jensen just wants him to find someone more deserving of everything amazing that he is.

Jensen is disbelieving, and hurting, the ache in his chest swelling so that his own voice is thick when he speaks.

“Jared,” he starts, the name breaking in his mouth. He wants – _god, does he want_ – but… “You don’t… how can you…”  
  
_That mug_.  
  
He has to swallow hard, he’s trying to keep it together. He hasn’t had an episode like this in so long, he was doing so well, but he should’ve known better than to hope– 

“What, Jensen? Tell me. How can I what?” Jared’s arm moves as if he wants to reach for Jensen again but he stops, dropping both arms at his sides.

“I don’t…” Jensen sighs, defeated, a full body shudder. “How can you possibly want me?”  
  
He forces it out in a rush of water words and can’t make himself look at Jared when he says it.

There’s a long beat of absolute silence before he answers.

“ _What?_ ” His tone is incredulous, and Jensen is suddenly _mad_ . Like it isn’t fucking obvious!  
  
“Jared, you’re _amazing_ , okay? You’re only twenty-one but you have this project you pour your heart and soul into. You _help_ people. You make a difference. You’re confident and you know who the fuck you are. You’ve got your shit together. And–” his voice wavers as the anger bleeds away, leaving him with just the hurt. “– you’re so beautiful, I swear to god, I can see the sun when you smile. And I… I’m a goddamn mess. My life, my body, my fucking _face_ . I mean, _look at me,_ for Christ’s sake!”  
  
He’s white-knuckling his cane now, adamantly staring down at the ratty tears in the knees of Jared’s jeans, and taking a deep breath before he closes his eyes, trying to ignore the tears running down his face.

Jensen startles when something touches his cheek, featherlight.

Jared’s fingers are gentle on his chin, even more so than this afternoon at the kitchen, and Jensen feels helpless, letting Jared tip his face up, making him look at him.

“Jensen,” he starts, voice so soft that Jensen can’t hold it back anymore, a sob breaking loose as he finally finds Jared’s eyes. “You think I don’t see you? Jensen, mess or not, you are _beautiful_ .”  
  
Jensen scoffs wetly, rolling his eyes and squirming away from Jared out of instinct, but Jared cuts him off before he can argue.

“No, don’t. Listen,” he persists. “I know we don’t know a lot about each other. _Yet_ . I know we haven’t talked about that, or where either of us come from, but I _see_ you. Jensen, you are so much more than your scars. They don’t ruin you. You’re not less just because they’re part of who you are now. You _want_ to help people. You’re trying, I see you trying, and I want– god, I just– I want to try with you. This journey you’re on – let me be a part of it. You’re going someplace, I know you are, and I– I want to be there when you find out where that is. I think– I _know_ – you are beautiful, Jensen.”

Jensen can’t look at him, even if his words feel like they’re breaking his heart and impossibly holding all the pieces together all at once. He hasn’t felt beautiful since before the fire but there’s a tiny part of him that’s clinging to Jared’s words, unbelievable as they are, desperate for them to drown out the harsh reproach of the man from the street. Jared sounds like he means it, and Jensen is overwhelmed.

Jared’s thumb wipes away the tears on Jensen’s cheek, smoothing over his scars, touching him like no one has in years. Jensen shivers, surprises himself by leaning into the touch. The atmosphere in the room shifts, the tension gone from the air and Jensen’s body. Jensen doesn’t understand – is afraid to hope – but he’s done fighting. The panic attack that was digging its claws in suddenly lets him go, and he almost sags at the relief of it.  
  
Jared must sense Jensen’s surrender because he shifts a little closer. He traces the pad of his thumb along Jensen’s mouth, and Jensen lets it fall open under the pressure.

“These lips, god, Jensen, I’ve been losing sleep thinking about them,” Jared admits. “Barely had a wink since you set foot in House of Hope.”  
  
Jensen sucks in a breath, heat blossoming low in his stomach at the tone of Jared’s voice. He looks up at him, finally, and the _want_ written clear across Jared’s face is surreal to Jensen. He never dreamed anyone would ever look at him like that again.

“Can I? Please,” Jared whispers, leaning in, brushing Jensen’s nose with his own, waiting on Jensen to say it’s okay. God, Jensen is going to burn up if he doesn’t– he will if he does– but he can’t deny either of them this now, not when Jared is offering everything he thought he might never have.

  
“Even,” Jensen practically croaks. “Even after this?”  
  
“Yeah, Jensen,” Jared exhales in a rush. “Of course, yes. Of course.”

Jensen doesn’t bother finding the words, just tilts his face up and kisses Jared instead. They skip over chaste entirely, and Jensen would be embarrassed by the broken sound he makes as Jared devours his mouth, both hands on Jensen’s face now, but Jared echoes him with a moan, and just deepens the kiss further, their tongues tangling in Jensen’s mouth, Jared stepping closer so there’s no space between them, chests brushing together.  
  
Jensen’s cane clatters to the floor as he abandons it, both hands, shaking, reaching for Jared’s waist instead. He hasn’t– god, he hasn’t had another body against his like this– and Jared’s firm against his palms. He’s so slim but it there’s little give when Jensen holds on tight, searching for something to ground him.

Jensen’s blood is on fire and it’s rapidly filling his cock, fighting against the tight fit of the jeans Danneel had picked out for him. Jensen whines a little around Jared’s tongue, shifting a little fitfully, and the movement pushes them together. Jensen’s own dick brushes against the bulge in Jared’s pants, and as Jared moans, Jensen digs his fingers in deeper on Jared’s hips.  
  
“Fuck,” Jared pants, breaking the kiss and chasing the too brief contact between their dicks with a swivel of his own hips.  
  
“Jared,” Jensen exclaims breathily, voice high and reedy as Jared rubs them together, and Jensen can only cling, trying not to lose his balance.  
  
Jared seems to realize that Jensen is unsteady here, and he backs off a little, breathing heavy.  
  
“Yeah, sorry, shit,” Jared huffs as he catches his breath. He takes a small step away, still close enough for Jensen to hold on, and he gets a hand on Jensen’s side, something else for him to lean into.

“We, um,” Jared takes a deep breath. “Had a date. If you– or, we could– I mean.”  
  
Jared shakes his head, laughs at himself. “Just want to be with you, Jensen. Whatever you want.”  
  
Jensen stares at him. Jared is flushed and his lips are dark from their kissing, shiny with their spit that he licks up with a pass of his tongue while Jensen watches. It makes Jensen’s dick twitch, the tip getting wet against his stomach, aching in the confines of his pants.  
  
It’s not that he doesn’t want to know what Jared had planned for them, but it feels like there will be more dates to follow. And talking. And everything he could want from Jared. But right now… he doesn’t want to think about the world outside his apartment, doesn’t want to think past how Jared feels in his hands, wants to drown in the taste of him.

  
“We could… order in?” Jensen offers, and Jared lights up.  
  
“Yes, fuck yeah,” he moves back in immediately, barely finishes getting the words out before he’s kissing Jensen again, hungry.  
  
Jensen gives into him gladly, likes the feel of Jared inside his mouth, taking up space. He sucks on Jared’s tongue and revels in the way Jared shudders, both of them moaning now. It’s been a really long time since Jensen’s had a dick in his mouth, but now that he’s practically nursing on Jared’s tongue he knows he’s gotta have it.  
  
Jared’s hands slide down his sides and grab his ass, angling Jensen’s hips better to rub against, and the forceful drag of their dicks even through all those layers makes Jensen gasp, letting go of Jared’s tongue. His hips twitch involuntarily, chasing more, but the movement pulls something, and Jensen hisses, letting go of Jared altogether in order to grab at his thigh.  
  
“Shit, _shit_ , sorry,” Jared lets go of him in a hurry, then shoots both hands forward to hold him steady when he sees Jensen lose his balance. “Jensen, are you okay?”  
  
“Oh yeah, peachy.” Jensen winces and tries to chuckle through the pain, kneading it out with insistent presses of his thumb. “It wasn’t you, it’s just, standing– I dunno. Maybe…”  
  
Jensen looks around, trying to figure out where they’re going, what would work best.  
  
“How do you usually– you know,” Jared waves a hand and laughs, but Jensen turns back to face him and just blinks.  
  
“How do I– with other people?” Jensen repeats just to make sure he knows what Jared is saying, and feels nerves start to creep in again with the realization of more Big Things he has to say tonight.  
  
“Yeah?” Jared answers but the tone of Jensen’s voice must make him wary because it’s a question, too.  
  
Jensen pushes a long breath out through his nose, shakes his head. “Jared, I… I haven’t. Not– not since before. Long time. Real long time.”  
  
He steels himself for– well, he’s not sure, but he’s all tensed up again, and his leg is aching for it.  
  
“Oh,” Jared breathes out, and then, again as he really thinks about it. “Oh.”  
  
Jensen sighs, that voice in his head starting to chirp about how he ruins stuff, this was not going to be different, and leans away from Jared to grab at the couch and limp his way over, sitting down. Jared sticks close, and after Jensen is seated, Jared picks up his cane and sets it against the couch in arm’s reach. Then he crouches and drops a knee to the floor at Jensen’s feet.  
  
“Jensen, I–” he shyly grabs for Jensen’s hand. Jensen flinches, but doesn’t pull it away, letting their hands rest together on his left leg. “I was stupid not to think. I– I’m sorry. I’m not trying to push you. We can go slow as you need, do whatever you want. Do you… know what you want?”  
  
Jensen looks into Jared’s eyes and not for the first time marvels at how much older than twenty-one he sounds, how sure, how mature. Jared is accommodating Jensen at every turn, and it fires up him up a little, angry that he needs it, that they can’t just– but then he takes another breath, mindful. _There’s nothing wrong with needing help_ . He thinks on it hard, wills himself to believe it.  
  
“Yeah, Jesus,” Jensen exhales, awed. “Gotta have you, Jared. Before you realize what a disaster I am, change your mind.”  
  
Jensen makes himself laugh, hopes Jared knows he’s at least partly kidding, but Jared’s expression stays serious.  
  
“Not gonna do that, Jensen. Talk to me,” Jared encourages him, thumb smoothing over the side of Jensen’s hand. It’s nice, unhurried, with no sense of urgency or pressure, and Jensen lets himself close his eyes, nodding.  
  
“Okay,” he whispers. “Well, whatever we do, I think… I think I can have the best support for my leg in my bed.”  
  
His cheeks burn when he says it, but Jared doesn’t seem to notice, just nodding in agreement.  
  
“Okay, good. We’ll move there then. What else?”  
  
Jensen immediately thinks of how he wanted to have Jared in his mouth, the tease of his tongue, and his mouth floods with spit just at the thought. He clears his throat while working up the courage to ask for it, shifting unconsciously as he swells behind his zipper again, and Jared starts to smile again now, sly and knowing.  
  
He leans in and brushes their noses together. “Whatever it is, I promise it’s okay. Just tell me.”  
  
He murmurs the words against Jensen’s lips, then kisses him, barely there, teasing, leaving him the space to actually answer, if he could come up with the words.  
  
Jensen gets a little lost in the comfort of Jared’s mouth, so much simpler than thinking and saying and confessing, but his cock throbs hot and insistent when Jared nips playfully at his lip, so he has to do _something_ .  
  
He reaches for Jared’s denim vest – they haven’t undressed, fuck, no wonder Jensen is melting – and makes a fist in it, easing Jared back just enough that he can breathe.  
  
“God, can’t think worth shit when you’re doing that,” Jensen laughs, and Jared beams at him.  
  
Jensen tugs at Jared’s vest now. “It is way too fucking hot in here.”  
  
Jared looks dramatically relieved. “A-fucking-men.”  
  
They both ditch their outer layers, Jared’s vest and black hoodie tossed onto the far end of the couch with Jensen’s leather jacket. Jared’s left in a black t-shirt that says in all capital white block letters ‘love is still the most powerful force on the planet’. Jensen knows where it’s from and he can’t think about that right now, can’t keep adding to the absurd list of reasons why Jared Padalecki is amazing, so instead, he lets his gaze linger over Jared’s tattoos. On his right forearms, an old-school pocket watch set among traditional roses, flames licking out from behind. He’s about to say something about it, it’s beautiful, but Jared shifts to kick off his shoes, and Jensen gets distracted when he settles again but reaches for Jensen’s boots.  
  
“Can I?” he looks up at Jensen, all sincerity and sweetness, and Jensen can’t– how’s he supposed to survive this? He nods, and Jared starts to untie them, slipping each off Jensen’s feet as gently as he can manage.  
  
“Okay,” Jared starts, their footwear discarded, both of them in sock feet. “Better? It’s better, right? Phew.”  
  
Jared laughs, grabbing his collar and fanning himself a little, until Jensen laughs and agrees.  
  
“Now what?” Jared’s voice drops low and he’s leaning in again, but Jensen keeps laughing and grabs his face, hand easy on Jared’s jaw.  
  
“I’m never gonna find the words if you keep that up,” he gives Jared’s chin a wag, and Jared just shrugs.  
  
“That’d be okay, too,” Jared says easy anything, then fights Jensen’s hold to lean in and kiss him again anyway, speaking against his lips. “Could kiss you all night.”  
  
Jensen’s breath hitches and he moans, fingers going slack against Jared’s throat where they’ve slid down from his jaw.  
  
“I wanna suck you,” Jensen just says it into their kiss, eyes closed so he can pretend it’s nothing to ask for at all.

  
Jared groans then, going at Jensen’s mouth with renewed fervor, slipping in with his tongue so Jensen can suck on it again, like he knew he would. Jensen’s hands find the front of Jared’s shirt and cling to it as he pulls at Jared, keeps him trapped against the roof of his mouth, working his throat as he swallows like he’s going to get more from him than spit, like it’s already his dick instead.

They finally break apart, both gasping.  
  
“Jesus Christ, Jensen,” Jared pants. “Yeah, okay, we– gotta– bed, right?”  
  
Jared sounds like Jensen now, starting to get to his feet looking a bit wrecked, and Jensen beams up at him, a little proud and definitely smug.  
  
“Yeah, yeah, definitely bed,” Jensen reaches for his cane and Jared lets him get himself to his feet, leading the way. Jared crowds him on the way there, not pushy, just close, and as he pushes open his bedroom door, he’s suddenly embarrassed and grateful because Danneel fucking tidied in here. He files away a quick mental note to bring her flowers next time he leaves the apartment.  
  
They stand in front of each other at the edge of Jensen’s bed, and Jensen puts his cane down between the bed and nightstand where it lives at night, Jared’s eyes never leaving him. There’s a weighty moment in which Jensen’s stomach flutters with nerves and anticipation, then Jared is looking behind him at the bed.  
  
“How–” he takes a deep breath. “How do you want to do this?”  
  
Jensen bites his lip and looks at the bed, considering. “I can’t really– kneeling isn’t gonna work. I think…” he looks at the headboard, then back to Jared. “I’m gonna sit up against the headboard, and you can…” his face burns and he makes himself continue even if his tongue feels too big for his mouth. “Straddle me? On your knees. You– you know?”   
  
“Fuck,” Jared exhales, pushing a hand through his hair. “Yeah, yeah, I think I know.”  
  
There’s another moment that seems still uncertain, but Jared solves that by moving in to kiss Jensen again. Jensen finds Jared’s mouth reassuring. It stops his thinking, his overthinking, and he relaxes into it. He still absently knows there’s a few steps between this and getting Jared’s cock in his mouth, so he holds onto Jared with his left hand while he snakes between them with his right. He shakes as he seeks out the bulge in Jared’s pants with his fingers, but the shuddering intake of breath Jared makes when he finds it spurs him on. He rubs at Jared through his jeans more deliberately, feeling the length of him– _Jesus_ . He does another pass, paying more attention, just to make sure he’s not imagining it.  
  
“ _Jesus_ ,” he pants out loud. He looks at Jared, awed, and Jared’s cheeks are the reddest he’s ever seen them.  
  
“Yeah,” Jared admits, sounding unsure, and Jensen starts shaking his head.  
  
“No, _no_ , that is… wow. I–” his mouth is watering like mad, his brain frantically trying to come up with something reassuring to say. “Good surprise.”  
  
Jared breaks into a huge smile and a sigh of relief. “Oh thank God.”  
  
Jensen slips his fingers into one of Jared’s belt loops and tugs as he backs up and sits down on the mattress. He looks up at Jared as he unfastens his belt, fingers trembling with want and nerves that haven’t been lit up like this in way too damn long.   
  
He undoes Jared’s jeans and slides them down until Jared grabs onto his shoulders and uses his feet to pull them the rest of the way, stepping out of them.

  
On both feet again, he lets go of Jensen to grab the hem of his shirt and pull it up over his head, then reach down and tug off each sock. Then he’s standing there in front of Jensen in nothing but his briefs, huge dick peeking out the top waistband, shiny and red, bright against the soft, tanned skin that goes on for miles. All Jensen wants to do is mouth at the tip of Jared’s cock, soak his underwear along the length of him with his spit, but the angle’s all wrong while they’re standing and sitting like this, and Jensen is so lightheaded with want he’s not sure he can wait that long.  
  
Breathing hard, he licks his lips and reaches for the elastic band of Jared’s briefs. He spares one quick glance up to Jared’s face.  
  
“Yeah, do it,” Jared breathes, knowing, so Jensen does.  
  
The underwear slide down his thighs to join his clothes on the floor and Jensen really does whimper at the naked sight of him. Jared’s cock is a thing of beauty. Jensen knows it’s been a long time since he’s seen one that’s not his own live and in the flesh, but _fuck._  
  
“God, look at you,” Jensen is awed, and grabs for Jared where he bobs between them, just to feel the hot silky skin against his fingers. It’s so soft, and Jared is so incredibly hard, Jensen’s dick aches with empathy.  
  
Jared looks shy at the compliment, swallowing hard, his Adam’s apple moving in his throat.  
  
“Yeah, Jared, I gotta– shit,” he starts to work himself back on the bed, letting go of Jared only because of the imminent promise of getting that glorious dick in his mouth like he wants, but Jared grabs for his arm.  
  
“Wait, Jensen,” Jared looks confused, then his eyes roam the length of Jensen’s body questioningly, and Jensen’s mouth goes dry. He must look terrified because Jared immediately starts backpeddling. “No, I mean, you don’t have to, God, however you need to be. Just… you look hot– I mean, too warm. And…”  
  
He gestures toward the almost painful bulge in Jensen’s jeans and Jensen knows he’s right. He _is_ too warm, and he’s only going to get warmer. His zipper is cutting a hard line across his dick which is actually uncomfortable, but… 

  
“Jared, I haven’t–” he bites at his lip nervously. “Nobody’s seen me. I… my face isn’t… there’s more.”  
  
Jared watches him intently, his expression attentive and serious. “Jensen, if you need to keep all that on, for you, then that’s okay. But not for me. Nothing you could show me would make me want you less. I will never concede that you are anything less than the most attractive man I have _ever_ seen. Not despite your scars, Jensen. Just, exactly as you are.”  
  
_Oh, god._ Jensen blinks at the tears that welled up as Jared spoke. He shakes his head, disbelieving, but he remembers what Dr. Rhodes had said: it’s not for him to decide how Jared sees him, or what he sees in him. He lets Jared’s painfully kind words wash over him, and he sniffles, wiping his eyes on the back of his hand.  
  
“Okay,” he says finally.  
  
“Okay?” Jared echoes, hopeful. Jensen nods.  
  
“Yeah,” Jensen says again. “Yeah, do it. Please. Want you to. See me, Jared.”  
  
Jared looks almost deliriously happy before diving down, bending awkwardly to kiss Jensen where he’s sitting on the bed.  
  
“Okay.” Jared gets down on his knees then, so they’re more level. “You just… you tell me if you need me to stop, no question, okay?”  
  
He gets his hand on the top button of Jensen’s shirt and Jensen refuses to let himself tense up. He holds Jared’s gaze, all those colours in his eyes, all the want and longing and promise of things Jensen was afraid to let himself hope for, and he breathes it all out. No fear. “Okay.”  
  
Jared keeps checking in quietly, looking up at Jensen after each button, but Jensen just breathes and lets him do it. All of them undone, Jared slips his hands inside to push the shirt off Jensen’s shoulders and down his arms. Jensen does close his eyes now, lets Jared throw his shirt away, and it’s the most naked he’s been in front of another person outside a hospital since.  
  
Jensen is shaking all over now, can’t control it.  
  
“Jensen,” Jared utters his name, reverent, and Jensen makes himself look at him. There’s a mix of awe, pity, and affection clear on his face, one hand hovering like he wants to touch the waxy skin.  
  
“That–” Jensen can barely make his voice work. “That’s not the worst of it. Just– keep– keep going, Jared. Please.”  
  
Jared nods and goes right to work on Jensen’s belt, then his button and zipper. Jensen groans gratefully at the relief.  
  
“Hold on to me,” Jared coaches, so Jensen does, grabbing onto his shoulders as he lifts off the bed just enough for Jared to pull down his pants and underwear in one go, out from under his ass so he can sit back on the mattress. The tremor is more pronounced now, even the bed feels like it’s shaking under him now that he’s naked. Jared pulls off each sock and then puts one hand on Jensen’s left knee, the undamaged one, and his face.   
  
“Jensen,” he says, firmly. “Look at me. You okay? Talk to me.”  
  
Jensen is lightheaded and, oh, he’s breathing too fast, that would be why. He blinks his eyes open and Jared comes into focus slowly in front of him, taking up his whole field of vision.  
  
“Jensen, breathe, deep breaths, you’re okay,” Jared looks a little worried, and he nuzzles in close, kissing at Jensen’s cheek, along his jaw, to his ear. “You’re beautiful, Jensen. You are. It’s okay. I see you. I see you, and it’s okay.”  
  
“I’m–” Jensen slows down his breathing deliberately, leaning his head against Jared’s. “I’m okay. I’m okay. It’s okay.”  
  
He says it as much to reassure himself as Jared, but after a moment, he’s not dizzy anymore, and it doesn’t feel quite like the bed might shake apart underneath him.  
  
“I’m okay,” he says again, definitively, and Jared leans back to look at him.  
  
“Yeah you are,” Jared agrees, pride in his voice.  
  
Jensen takes a nice, easy, full breath and soaks in everything Jared’s giving him, the space to just be, to allow himself to be seen, as terrifying as it is.  
  
“I never–” Jensen feels suddenly brave now, sitting in nothing but his skin and still feeling safe with Jared. “I honestly never thought I would do this again.”  
  
Jared looks heartbroken at Jensen’s admission, and his eyes water.  
  
“I’m really, really, honoured that you let me in, Jensen,” he whispers, voice thick with emotion. “I’m glad it’s me who gets to do this with you.”  
  
Jensen laughs, a little wetly, too, because yeah. He was never going to get through this without a few tears. “I can’t believe you. I’m so fucking glad, too. Glad I met you. Glad you want anything to do with me.”  
  
Jared leans in to kiss him again, and Jensen is glad it keeps them both from saying anything else that’s going to keep him crying. Then Jared is standing up again, and Jensen’s gaze drops to that dick, _Jesus._ Yeah, that is enough of that.  
  
Jensen shimmies back on the bed, and Jared follows him on his knees. Jensen gets comfortable against the headboard, sitting upright, legs stretched out in front of him. Jared spreads his never-ending legs a little and knee-walks closer, Jensen’s legs between them.  
  
Jensen is all but drooling by the time Jared stops, his cock leaking so close that Jensen can smell it. His own dick leaks onto his thigh, swelling to full hardness again after the brief pause while Jensen undressed.  
  
“You sure this is okay?” Jared looks a little unsure, holding his dick out of Jensen’s face with one hand and the headboard with the other. This setup isn’t ideal for Jensen controlling the pace, but Jensen trusts Jared, and lucky for them both, Jensen _really_ likes to have his mouth fucked.  
  
“Yeah,” he answers, husky. “Yeah, if it’s too much I– I’ll tap out. I haven’t done this in a while but– but I want this. Use my mouth, Jared.”  
  
“ _Shit_ ,” Jared squeezes himself hard, and white-knuckles the headboard. “I’m gonna be honest with you, Jensen, don’t think I’m exactly gonna last long.”  
  
Jensen grins up at him and reaches for Jared’s hips. “C’mon then, give it to me.”  
  
Jared curses again as Jensen licks his lips and opens his mouth in invitation, but he finally, _finally_ offers Jensen that cock of his.  
  
Jensen does lean in a bit to kiss at the head, giving it a tentative suck while the first hit of the taste floods his mouth. He moans at the salty flavour, and Jared makes a strangled noise above him.  
  
Jensen parts his lips wider to take more of Jared inside, still just the tip, but he licks under the head before hollowing his cheeks again. Jared is still holding the base of his own cock with one hand, and Jensen lets him for the moment, reacquainting himself with this process and, quite frankly, the sheer thickness of Jared’s incredible dick. He starts to take more of Jared into his mouth on each suck, but his range of motion is pretty limited. He pulls back and lets Jared fall from his lips.  
  
“Okay,” Jensen says, squeezing Jared’s hips. “I’m ready. Just, go slow. But god, gimme all of it. I want it, Jared. I’ll tell you when it’s too much.”  
  
“Okay” Jared agrees dumbly, and Jensen puts his head against the cushioned headboard and opens his mouth again. He tries to reassure Jared by helping guide him with his hands on Jared’s hips.  
  
The first push into Jensen’s mouth is tentative, to say the least, but Jensen hollows his cheeks and pulls him back in when he tries to back out. Jared is breathing hard above him, noisey and desperate, lets himself be directed by Jensen’s hands, deeper this time.  
  
Jared keeps going, slowly, until he hits the back of Jensen’s mouth, and Jensen fights the instinct to gag, breathing out his nose even as his eyes water and his throat flutters around the head of Jared’s cock. He’s so deliciously full, _fuck,_ he’s leaking against his leg so much it should be embarrassing, and he whines. The sound startles Jared, and he tries to withdraw all the way, but Jensen doesn’t let him. He digs his fingers into the meat of Jared’s hips and hums encouragingly.  
  
“ _Sh-shit_ ,” Jared mutters brokenly and lets go of his dick so he can grip the headboard with both hands. Jensen’s got it now anyway, and they find a rhythm. Jared thrusts into Jensen’s mouth while he drools around Jared’s cock, frothy spit and precome dripping down his chin, and Jensen has never come like this before but Christ, he’s so turned on right now it might actually be possible.  
  
He’s sure his fingers are bruising Jared’s skin but Jared isn’t complaining, and he doesn’t stop. His breath hitches and Jensen feels Jared getting closer like a wave across his body, ratcheting up the way his nerves are dancing from head to toe. He hums hungrily around his mouthful, the one he couldn’t take to the base no matter how hard he tried, Jared’s just too fucking big, and Jared whimpers.  
  
“Jen– Jensen, I– fuck, gonna–” he can’t even get the words out but Jensen understands. He doesn’t let up on the push-pull of his hands moving Jared’s hips, and then Jared is crying out, a goddamn beautiful sound as he swells impossibly harder inside Jensen’s mouth and comes. The first pulse floods Jensen’s mouth completely, spilling out of the corners, and as he swallows it down he pushes Jared back so just the tip is still caught between his lips. Jared shudders and curses around Jensen’s name, pulsing again and again and Jensen drinks it all down.   
  
He nurses at the head of Jared’s dick like it was Jared’s tongue earlier, and Jared moans. Jensen’s cheeks are wet from tears Jared fucked out of him, and his face is a mess, come on his lips and his chin dripping. Jared finally starts to go soft, and he whines, letting go of the headboard to push at Jensen’s shoulder, pulling out. Jensen lets him go and takes a big breath as Jared drops into his lap, legs trembling.  
  
“Jensen, Jesus fuck,” Jared curses, breathless, and then goes at Jensen’s face, holding it in both hands. His thumbs wipe his cheeks but he kisses away the rest of the mess, laps it up with his tongue, and Jensen moans, his hips twitching, his dick desperate for attention, brought so close to the edge just sucking Jared off.

  
Jared reaches between them to take Jensen into his hand while starting to kiss him properly, licking into his mouth and moaning, the taste of himself unavoidable.  
  
“God, your mouth,” Jared pulls back, absently tugging on Jensen’s dick as he looks at him in disbelief. “You’re incredible, you know that?”  
  
Jensen would laugh but he’s distracted by the too-good feel of Jared’s hand finally wrapped around him. He grins though, definitely smug.  
  
“Your dick is fucking incredible,” Jensen shoots back, and his voice is ruined, rough and almost unrecognizable. His jaw aches and his throat hurts and he’s so fucking happy.  
  
Jared does laugh, and Jensen wraps his arms around him, keeps him close as he bucks into Jared’s fist.  
  
“Jared–” Jensen pants.  
  
“Fuck, yeah, Jen,” Jared tightens his fist, starts to jack him off more intentionally. “What do you want? You wanna fuck me? I want it, Jensen, want you inside me.”  
  
“ _Shit_ ,” Jensen curses as that tension builds, his toes curling and his back arching into it. “Yeah I want to, so bad, but I’m not gonna make it. Thought I was gonna come sucking you off.”  
  
“ _Jesus_ ,” Jared drops his forehead to Jensen’s. “Okay, yeah, next time, shit. Come on, Jensen. You close? Wanna see it.”  
  
Jensen can’t open his eyes, but he can feel Jared looking between them, watching his hand on Jensen’s dick as he speeds up. It’s got to be so awkward and his arm must hurt at that angle but Jensen is really friggin’ close.  
  
“Yeah,” he exhales. “Yeah, I’m close. Just– just like that, fuck.”  
  
He licks his lips, dry from the way he’s breathing now.

  
“God, yes, do it,” Jared eggs him on, and Jensen thrills at it. Jared’s going to talk him right over the edge at this rate. “That’s it, Jensen. Come for me, wanna see you spill over my hand. C’mon, c’mon, c’mon–”  
  
“ _Jared_ !” Jensen cries out as comes, distantly aware of it hitting his chin as he shudders against the headboard and pulses in Jared’s hand.  
  
“ _Fuck,”_ Jared exclaims, impressed, apparently, as he milks Jensen through it. It feels like it lasts forever, Jensen floating in a white-out of pleasure, more intense than he remembered it ever being, when he finally slumps back into his body, heavy, and whines weakly to ask Jared to ease up.  
  
Jared does, the movement of his hand on him gentle now, and he’s kissing all over Jensen’s face.  
  
“God, that was hot,” he says between each press of lips. “You come like a porn star, fuck, look at you. It’s everywhere.”  
  
Jensen groggily opens his eyes on a chuckle, and Jared backs up, dipping in here and there to clean him up. He licks at Jensen’s chin where come was threatening to drip back down, then bends further to lick at Jensen’s chest.  
  
Jensen is wide awake again suddenly, Jared’s tongue passing over a nipple, over scar tissue–  
  
“Oh fuck–” Jensen dick twitches in the sticky mess of Jared’s hand. Jared startles and pulls back.  
  
“Sorry, sorry–” apologizes in a rush. “I should’ve asked–”  
  
“No, no,” Jensen stops him. “It– god, no. It’s good. I just– was surprised. It– feels good, Jared. Real good.”  
  
Jared is beaming at him again. They’re a mess between them, come all over Jared’s hand and the tops of Jensen’s legs, though Jared shyly bends down to kiss and lick at the mess he can reach on Jensen’s stomach while Jensen lies there and basks in it. 

Jared sits back up, licking his lips. “I’m gonna wash up quick and get something to clean you up, okay?”  
  
“Mhm,” Jensen agrees dreamily, still not sure where his body even ends, everything soft and loose and his leg doesn’t even hurt – even if his jaw does, but in the best way. Fuck. Jensen can’t believe he went without this so long he almost forgot how good it could be, though there’s a part of him that’s absolutely certain Jared is part of it. It has to be Jared.  
  
“Hey,” Jared’s voice startles him and he blinks his eyes open to see Jared walking towards him, still naked but all clean, his dick soft but still impressively large even like that, a wet washcloth in his hand.  
  
“I… fell asleep?” Jensen asks dumbly and Jared just grins at him as he climbs back onto the bed, straddling Jensen’s legs, sitting back over Jensen’s knees.  
  
“I’m going to take it as a compliment,” Jared teases. “It okay if I–?”

He gestures in the direction of Jensen’s lap and Jensen nods, even if he does pink up in the cheeks again as he watches Jared’s long fingers pick him up, soft now, and thoroughly wipe him down, gentle as can be.

He sighs, more relaxed and content than he can remember being in a long time, and hums as Jared sets him down, then leans in to kiss him, easy and unhurried.  
  
He stands back up and tosses the cloth in the hamper near Jensen’s dresser, then looks unsure. Jensen tilts his head to the side and tries not to let Jared’s vague unease freak him out.  
  
“What?” he asks, a little scared to know the answer.  
  
“Can I stay?” Jared asks, his voice small, and suddenly Jensen sees him, young as he is, twenty-one, and maybe just as far out of his depth here as Jensen is.  
  
“God, yes,” Jensen answers with relief, his voice breaking. If he’s being honest, he never wants Jared to leave, though he’s not 100% sure how Dannel would feel about it. On second thought, she would probably being delighted. “Please. Come back here.”  
  
“Okay.” Jared looks like himself again now, relieved, like he thought there was actually a chance Jensen would want him to leave. It would hurt, but it’s almost reassuring to think Jared might be scared just like Jensen. Jensen starts moving to get under the covers, lying down and lifting the duvet to invite Jared in instead.  
  
There’s only the lamp on Jensen’s nightstand to light the room, and it feels later than it is, being how worn out Jensen feels now, but Jared doesn’t seem to mind curling up with him. He tucks in against Jensen’s chest, his feet and knees threading between Jensen’s legs.  
  
“This okay? Is your leg okay?” Jared asks, looking at him from an inch away as they share Jensen’s pillow.  
  
“It is. This is more than okay,” Jensen wiggles to get a little closer, one arm under Jared’s neck and the other draped over his waist.  
  
They settle like that and it’s nice, just looking at each other in the quiet. It feels like they’re saying a lot even if there aren’t any words, and Jensen can’t get over how right everything feels with him. They’ve not known each other a week but… Jensen feels ridiculous, the things he’s thinking, the way he _feels_ . He’s doomed.  
  
“Jensen, I…” Jared whispers, his eyes searching. “I really like you.”  
  
Jensen snorts. He’s not laughing at him, God no, it just seems like such a small and obvious thing after… _after_ . Luckily, Jared must get it, because he laughs, too.  
  
“Jared, that… was amazing. And I… don’t know what to say,” Jensen responds, and Jared briefly misinterprets him, going a bit white in the face. “God, Jared, I like you so much, it seems dumb to say it. I feel like an idiot. How can I feel like this right now? After days?”  
  
Jensen rushes through the rest to get the colour back in Jared’s cheeks, and then kisses him, hugging him close. Jared relaxes into the kiss, and it could last a minute or an hour, Jensen doesn’t know or care. It’s just easy, and right, and feels like everything he’s been missing in his life.  
  
“I need you in my life,” Jensen makes himself say, clinging to Jared as he does. Another leap. Big leap. So many of those lately.  
  
“Good,” Jared beams. “Because I want you in mine.”  
  
“Okay but hear me out,” Jensen counters softly, but serious. “I am really sorry about… how this started. I’m learning to have more good days. You… you give me good days, Jared. The best days. But when I have bad days… they’re bad. The pain makes me mean sometimes, and Danneel would say I can be insufferable. But– but if you still want me, I promise to try harder than I ever have. I want to. For you.”  
  
Jared doesn’t answer him right away, kisses him instead, but it feels like answer enough.  
  
“I want you, Jensen,” Jared finally says, confident and brilliant and beautiful. “All of you.”  
  
“Good,” Jensen replies softly, his heart fucking full and fit to burst.

They get back to kissing, lazy and tired. At some point, Jared reaches behind them to turn off the lamp, and sometime later, wrapped up in each other and the darkness, they fall asleep.

  
  
\---

Jensen wakes up slowly, without opening his eyes, just coming into his consciousness. He’s on his back, a warm, living and breathing weight pressed against his side. Jared is still holding onto him, one arm across his stomach, his face pillowed against Jensen’s shoulder. Jensen swallows, feels the ache in his throat and jaw and sighs, letting himself think about what Jared did to make it hurt, even if means his morning wood is getting a bit, uh, sturdier than usual.  
  
“Morning,” comes from beside him, and his eyes flutter open. Jared’s watching him with a quiet smile that Jensen returns easily.  
  
“Morning,” he echoes, liking how Jared looks tucked in against him like that, deceptively small.  
  
The sheets shifted while they slept and Jensen’s chest is exposed. Jared trails his fingers across his stomach and over the scars on his right side, following the tangles of waxy skin. Goosebumps rise all over his body but Jensen doesn’t shy away from the touch. He feels brave again – Jared does this to him – so before he can rethink it, he grabs Jared’s hand and slides it under the sheets. He puts it on his right thigh, right over the worst of it, eyes on Jared’s face.

He can’t help it, his jaw tenses and his teeth clench as Jared explores the misshapen flesh, so gentle it’s almost reverent. His fingers are light but they follow the swirls and reach past his knee, to the edges of the hairless scars where they fade into his skin on each side. Jared holds Jensen’s gaze the whole while, even as Jensen’s eyes well up. He’s not sure why he’s crying, he’s not sad or upset. Happy is the wrong word, too. But it feels weirdly liberating to share this with Jared. _Being seen_. 

Jared, convinced he’s felt the extent of it, withdraws his hand from under the sheets to hold Jensen’s where it rests on his stomach.  
  
“What happened, Jensen?” Jared whispers, and Jensen knows he could say _not now,_ or _another time_ , but this feels as right as any.  
  
“I wanted to be a firefighter since I was old enough to answer the question ‘what do you want to be when you grow up.’” Jensen starts, and it’s been a long time since he told this story out loud. “I know lots of kids say that, but they grow out of it. I never did. Spent my whole life getting ready to do it, it felt like. Trained like crazy. I wanted to be the best. I don’t know if I was ever best at anything, but I was enough. I passed all the tests, all the exams on the first try. One of the youngest new hires in a decade, they said. I was only twenty-one. That was seven years ago.”  
  
He pauses, glances down at Jared’s face to see him look at him, enraptured. Jared takes the moment to shift, sitting upright at Jensen’s side, their hands still clasped on Jensen’s stomach, but he’s looking down at him now, more easily. Jensen reaches up with free hand to tuck a wild piece of Jared’s hair behind his ear as he continues.  
  
“It was my first really big fire. I hadn’t even been working a year yet. It was awful, Jared. Some family’s home, almost fully engulfed in flames by the time we arrived. The neighbours were sure they were still inside. You know, it was scariest thing I’d ever seen but it was what I’d trained for. I trusted my team, I trusted my equipment. Didn’t even hesitate to run inside. There was this kid– it was lucky. His room was the first one in the hall, far from the point of origin. He didn’t wake up, passed out from smoke inhalation, they told me later, but I got him out. I did that.”  
  
Jensen closes his eyes, lets himself remember how it felt to hand him to the medics outside the house. He opens his eyes but stares at the ceiling as he keeps talking, the rest too raw. If he looked at Jared, he might lose it.

“I went back in. I wasn’t the only one. But… his parents. They didn’t make it. They think the fire started in their room. I only found out after. I got pinned, inside. A beam fell on my leg. I… really don’t remember much after that. Woke up in hospital three weeks later.”  
  
Jensen finishes his story and realizes that Jared’s hand is squeezing his like his life depends on it, and it’s shaking. His eyes snap to Jared’s face and he panics, sitting up in a hurry. Jared looks like he’s seen a ghost or something, his eyes wide, his face pale.  
  
“Jared? Jared, baby, what– are you okay?” Jensen is scared. He brings both hands to Jared’s face, Jared’s hand still white-knuckling his own.  
  
“Jen– Jensen–” Jared stutters out, looking stunned. “I– I was that kid. That was me.”

Jensen’s afraid Jared might shake apart as Jensen holds him but when Jared says that, it feels like a vacuum opened up in the room and stole every last particle of oxygen. Jensen starts to shake, too.  
  
“What?” he barely makes the sound, staring at Jared as though his very existence is some great, impossible thing, a new world wonder, standing at the edge of the Grand Canyon.   
  
Jared seems to snap out of it then, eyes focusing on Jensen’s.  
  
“It– it’s how I ended up in the system. The fire. My parents died. I woke up in the back of an ambulance wearing an oxygen mask. They said firefighters pulled me from the house just in time. Seven years ago, Jensen. I was fourteen. I was that kid. Jensen– Jensen, you–”  
  
Jared seems to have come back to life, rambling and animated and wild. “You saved my life. I– you– _Jensen_ .”  
  
He throws himself at Jensen then, arms over Jensen’s shoulders, and sobs into Jensen’s neck. The broken sounds of it break the spell and Jensen clings to him, holds Jared tight, tears starting to run down his face and he drops his lips to Jared’s shoulder.  
  
Jensen’s life as he knew it was over after that fire. He spent a lot of time being mad about a lot of things, but getting that kid out of the house was never one of them. It’s one of the things he clung to, the one fucking thing he got to do, and Dr. Rhodes has used it to help him build some peace for himself in recent years. But he never thought– never could have imagined–  
  
“I’ve wanted to thank you, so much,” Jared sobs. “Thank you. Thank you _thank you thank you_.”

He’s still crying and Jensen’s neck and chest are soaked, not to mention his face.

“ _Jared_ ,” Jensen cries, squeezing him probably too hard, but it feels like his whole world had just shifted. Nothing looks the same.  
  
It takes him a moment to realize Jared’s babbling has changed. It’s not thank you any more, but I’m sorry. I’m sorry _I’m so sorry_ .  
  
Jensen forces him back, makes him look at him. Jared is a mess – Jensen is sure he isn’t faring much better – snot connecting his nose to upper lip, cheeks blotchy, eyes red, hair every which way it can go.

“Jensen, I’m so sorry,” he huffs out, trying to hold in more tears, wiping the snot off the back of his hand, looking every bit like a little kid in this moment, making Jensen’s chest ache.  
  
“What are you talking about?” Jensen finally asks, bewildered.

“Your leg, the scars– the fire–”  
  
“ _Jared_ ,” Jensen cuts him off firmly, gives his shoulders a gentle shake. “I have never been happier for these scars in my entire life.”  
  
He surges up and kisses Jared then, desperate, grateful, so fucking grateful. If this– if Jared, Jesus – if Jared is the real live, thriving proof of the only good thing Jensen ever did–  
  
He can’t kiss him enough, can’t put enough into it. It must feel crazy, because Jared starts laughing against his mouth, his shaky hands holding on to Jensen’s shoulders as Jensen tugs him into his lap. Jared goes, gracelessly getting a leg out from under him to slide over Jensen’s, still laughing. Jensen starts laughing, too, and he feels a bit like a maniac, delirious, happy, euphoric.  
  
“This is some kind of–” Jensen shakes his head, disbelieving.

“Fate?” Jared offers, and neither of them are crying anymore.  
  
“Yes!” Jensen nearly shouts, and Jared starts laughing again, kissing him again, messy and uncoordinated, clashing of teeth and lips and tongue while they both are split in so many directions, knocked off centre.  
  
“God, Jensen,” Jared exhales, finally catching the threads of some focus, capturing Jensen’s mouth for a deeper kiss, slower. He rocks his hips a little and Jensen is suddenly aware of Jared’s dick poking him in the stomach, his own dick getting hard under the weiht of Jared’s ass.  
  
“Jared,” Jensen holds his face in his hands, and Jared’s hands hold his forearms, keeping them there even as Jensen pulls back to look him in the eyes. “I– I’m– I feel like–”  
  
Jensen flounders, overwhelmed. It feels like they were meant to be, somehow. How can they not be? What are the chances? Seven years later, they enter each other’s lives? He wants to tell Jared, _I feel like I’m yours_ , wants to ask him, _are you mine, Jared?_

“Fuck me,” Jared says, staring him down. “Please. Please. Gotta– get closer–”  
  
“Yeah, yes, okay,” Jensen blurts out when his brain recovers from the sound of the request on Jared’s lips. “Um, the– in the dresser–”  
  
The words don’t come but Jared gets it, lifting off him to reach into the nearest drawer, grabbing the bottle of lube Jensen keeps there. But no condoms, because he never had the foggiest notion this would happen until four days ago, and he seriously hasn’t been to the store.  
  
“Shit, Jared, I don’t have anything,” Jensen laments. “Do you have one?”  
  
Jared sits back down in his lap and makes a face, almost too quick and then it’s gone, but Jensen saw.  
  
“What?”  
  
“I might. Somewhere?” Jared frowns, as if thinking through where it could be. “But I haven’t… not since I was last tested. I’m clean, Jensen.”  
  
Jensen swallows thickly, and feels shivery-good all over, stomach fluttering as he realizes what Jared is suggesting. He never, before. Not once. Always had one. But he’s had a clean bill of health since the fire and seven years of nothing more than his own hand.  
  
“Yeah,” he says, breathless. “Me, too.”  
  
“Thank god,” Jared abandons the train of thought searching for a condom and kisses Jensen again instead, then pours some lube on his fingers. His hand disappears behind him and Jensen’s eyes go wide as Jared’s face clearly tells Jensen what he’s doing.  
  
“Fuck, Jared,” Jensen cranes his neck over Jared’s shoulder as if he could see, but no luck. He reaches with his hand instead, follows Jared’s arm, feels where he has two fucking fingers buried knuckles deep in his ass, feels the rim stretch around them. “ _Fuck_ .”  
  
He keeps his hand there, as Jared squirms and pants, pushing his fingers in and out. He’s in a daze. This is some kind of dream. He saves Jared’s life seven years ago, and fuck if it doesn’t feel like Jared has waltzed back into his life now to do the same. And here he is, the most beautiful thing Jensen has ever laid eyes on, getting himself ready in a hurry so he can sit on Jensen’s dick.  
  
“Jensen,” Jared is breathless. “Jensen, need you, need you inside, like right now.”  
  
He sounds as desperate as Jensen feels, and he fumbles for the lube where Jared dropped it on the duvet, pouring a generous amount into his hand, then reaches under Jared to grab himself, covering his cock with slick. “Yeah, I hear you, baby, I hear you. I’m ready.”  
  
He holds himself upright, and Jared groans, then grabs the head of Jensen’s dick with slick, body-warm fingers, and lines himself up.  
  
Jensen’s breath catches in his throat as Jared sits down, slow and steady until Jensen is buried as deep in as he can go. He wraps both arms around Jared’s tiny waist and drops his head to Jared’s shoulder, breaking out in a sweat all over. Jared is hot like a furnace and _tight_ , Jesus, and feels like heaven on earth. Jensen might not ever let him go.

Jared pants into his ear and as he relaxes around Jensen, starts to rock his hips a little, experimental, and Jensen moans, his own hips hitching up into the blessed clutch of Jared’s body.  
  
“Yeah, Jared,” Jensen throws his head back, doesn’t even register it hitting the headboard. He has to watch, see Jared’s face, and his hands slide to Jared’s hips, right over the fingerprints he left there last night. When he pushes into them, grabbing hold and following the movement of Jared’s hips, bigger and bigger back and forth, Jared whines and sinks his fingernails into the skin of Jensen’s shoulders where he’s holding on. It’s quick, sharp counterpoint to the insane feeling of Jared all around him, and Jensen groans, holding on tighter in turn. “That’s it, ride me baby, c’mon.”  
  
Jared whimpers when Jensen calls him baby, and he’s glad he seems to like it. It slipped out once and now Jensen can’t stop, wants to scoop Jared into his arms and keep him, his his his.

Following the revelation of their star-crossed connection, Jensen is dangerously close already. It’s been over seven years since he had sex like this, Jared is perfect, and Jensen can’t survive it, not much longer. He lets go of one hip to wrap a hand around Jared’s gorgeous cock, determined to get Jared off while he’s inside him.  
  
Jared huffs out a laugh, slides a hand up Jensen’s neck, rests his forehead on Jensen’s, jostling as he moves his hips at a near-frantic pace. “You close, Jen?”  
  
“Maybe,” Jensen admits, smiling stupidly, finding a good angle for his arm and making a fist for Jared to fuck into. “Are you?”  
  
“God yes,” Jared laughs, into the close space between them.

“Fuck,” Jensen tightens his fist a bit, loving the feel of Jared moving fast against his palm. He tilts his head to try and kiss Jared, but it barely counts. There’s too much happening, Jared is making the bed frame move with the force of his hips, and Jensen is absolutely going to lose it any minute. “Gonna fill you up, mark you up, feel so good, baby, fuck, _fuck–”_ _  
_ _  
_ “Yeah, Jen, do it. I’m yours, Jensen, wanna be yours, make me yours,” Jared begs him and Jensen comes with a shout, hips bucking so hard as to lift Jared up a bit, and when he falls back down he’s coming, too, clinging to Jensen as he convulses around him. His body milks Jensen though it, meanwhile Jared paints Jensen’s hand and stomach.  
  
Completely wrung out, Jared sits heavily in Jensen’s lap, not holding himself up anymore, just a warm, sticky, sweat-covered heap of human melting into him. Jensen is the same, sinking into the bed, sweat dripping down his temples, gasping for air now that his orgasm has finally subsided.

He wraps his arms around Jared’s waist again, as they began, and buries his face in Jared’s shoulder. Jared’s hands weave together on the back of his neck, and for a moment, they don’t move at all. There’s only the sound of their hammering hearts and desperate breaths.  
  
Even when Jensen can breathe a little easier, and he’s almost sure his heart isn’t about to give out, he has no inclinations to move. He’s still half hard inside Jared’s lax body, and Jared’s come is drying tacky on his hand but he doesn’t care.  
  
“You _saved my life_ ,” Jared says against his skin, still a revelation.  
  
Jensen squeezes him with all the strength he can muster. It’s not much at this point.  
  
Jared finally shifts, not a lot, but enough to sit upright and look at Jensen, hands still clasped at his nape.  
  
“If it’s any consolation, you are undoubtedly saving mine right now,” Jensen says in complete seriousness, eyes locked on Jared’s.

“ _Jensen_ ,” Jared kisses him, seemingly at a loss for anything to say. It’s okay. Jensen thinks he understands. The kiss is urgent to start, but it eases into something gentle, and Jensen can feel when he goes soft enough his come starts to leak out around him. Which should not be so hot, but goddamn.  
  
“I don’t want to move,” Jared pouts, obviously feeling it too.  
  
“Me neither,” Jensen laughs.  
  
Then there’s a knock on the door and both of them jump.  
  
“If you two are finally done in there, I would _love_ to get some sleep now,” Danneel’s voice is muffled through the wood, and her words suggest she’s irritated but Jensen can hear the delighted, amused teasing in her voice. He is never, ever going to hear the end of this.  
  
Jensen’s face might actually be on fire as her footsteps disappear towards her bedroom and Jared looks at him with eyes the size of saucers.

Jensen groans, mortified. “My roommate. She worked the night shift at the hospital. We… must’ve woken her up. I wasn’t even thinking.”  
  
“Oh, my god,” Jared laughs, and he looks mortified, too. “Talk about first impressions. She’s going to hate me.”  
  
“She already loves you, trust me,” Jensen assures him.  
  
“Hmm,” Jared settles back on Jensen’s lap, halting their half-hearted plans to get out of Jensen’s ruined bed. He’s going for playful, Jensen can see that, but there’s something else, something he recognizes all too well. Vulnerability.  
  
“She the only one?” Jared asks, still trying to tease, but missing the mark a little, and he must hear it, because he swallows hard. “Because– I might love you, Jensen Ackles, my actual fucking hero.”  
  
Jared laughs. It’s absurd, it’s fast and furious and ridiculous and it feels like _fate_ . Jared sniffles, looking up and shaking his head to try and hold it together. One of these days they will have sex without crying. Jensen is sure of it. Mostly, sure, anyway.  
  
“I’m a goner, Jared,” Jensen says, not taking his eyes off Jared’s. “Hopeless. Definitely in love with you.”

Jared looks at him with that sunshine smile, like Jensen just gave him the world, but it’s the other way around. Jensen’s going to make sure Jared knows it, whatever it takes.

\--- ( _six months later_ )

“Jensen, how long have you been coming to see me?” Dr. Rhodes looks at Jensen almost accusingly, and Jensen vaguely recalls how the last time she asked him that question, everything wound up changing. His eyes go wide. _Oh shit_.  
  
“Um,” Jensen thinks back, does some quick mental math. “A year and a bit? I guess. 20 months maybe?”  
  
“Uh huh,” she agrees, having obviously already known the answer. Typical. She looks thoughtful again and Jensen is not having any of it. Nope, not this time.  
  
“What now?” He grouses. “Look, I don’t know if you’ve been listening the last little while, but I think… I think I’m doing pretty friggin’ good. I’m basically at the kitchen every day. I feel– I feel good, okay. I’m–” he bites his lip, because he hasn’t said this to her so much yet, not so plainly. It always feels like if he says it, it makes it real, and then what if something happens? “I’m happy. Mostly. Like, a normal amount of happy, I think. More than I thought I could be. So I don’t know what you’re about to suggest but I am not getting any cats–”  
  
Dr. Rhodes starts to laugh, waving her hands to get Jensen to stop because she’s laughing too hard to say it. He does shut up, and her laughter is a little contagious, so he bites his lip again.  
  
“Jensen, I was _going_ to say, do you think maybe it’s time you started calling me Kim, actually,” she smirks, and Jensen baulks a moment before laughing. Of course. Ridiculous.  
  
“I am honestly, truly proud of you, Jensen,” she says seriously next, fond and approving. “You are not the same person you were when you sat down here that first day 20 months ago. I’d like to take a lot of the credit for that,” she jokes, “but you have been outstandingly brave, and I know Jared has played a big part, too.”  
  
Jensen smiles at that. He always does when Jared’s involved. He’s not shy about it, either.

“I think I came face-to-face with a really bold declaration of your progress, actually,” Dr. Rhodes– _Kim_ , continues, and Jensen raises his eyebrows with curiosity as she turns around to dig for something in the paperwork on her desk. “Jeff sent this to me.”  
  
She turns around holding a calendar for next year and Jensen’s face heats up immediately.  
  
She is, of course, beaming at him, which doesn’t help, because Jensen is still learning to accept the praise and compliments he’s given. It features some beautiful handwritten words on the front _Wounded Warriors: A Celebration of Heroes Charity Calendar_ . There’s a House of Hope logo in the top left, and a note at the bottom right in small print that says _photographed by J. Padalecki_ . Jensen is front and centre on the cover – Jared had _insisted_ – naked, though tastefully so, in front of a plain background, standing facing forward with his hands clasped on the handle of his cane covering the right places to keep the photo somewhat appropriate. His scars are on display but that’s not the point, not the _only_ one anyway, and Jensen is still surprised by how much he doesn’t actually hate what he sees.  
  
“Do you think the guy who sat down here ever thought he’d be a cover boy?” Kim asks, teasing a little but also unmistakably impressed.  
  
Jensen flusters a little, clears his throat. “I’m Mr. July, actually.”  
  
Kim laughs at that, then flips through the calendar appreciatively. Jensen catches a few of the other photographs as she does, men and women from all backgrounds, veterans, cops, medics, with varying manner of injury sustained on the job, people Jensen knows now. He met a couple at a support group he’s started going to on Monday nights – Jared found it, actually – and they knew people who knew people. It wasn’t too hard to find volunteers once Jared hatched this absurd idea, and then before Jensen knew it, he was posing nude in front of a camera. In front of Jared.  
  
“This is a seriously beautiful and profound piece of artwork that Jared has put together,” she sets the closed calendar back on the desk. “That you allowed yourself to be part of. I’m blown away, Jensen.”  
  
She shakes her head, and takes a breath, then wipes at her eyes.  
  
“Dr. R– Kim, are you–” Jensen stares. “Are you _crying?_ ”  
  
He’s teasing of course, he has cried _a lot_ in this room, but there’s something strangely gratifying and heartwarming about seeing Kim do it.  
  
“Shut up,” she snaps, a little wet, before laughing again. “Come here, dammit.”  
  
She stands up, arms flailing a little, and Jensen grins as he stands up, too, takes a step towards her and lets her hug him.  
  
“I am so fucking proud of you,” she says, squeezing him tight, and Jensen holds her just the same. If he lets himself think about it, for just a minute, he’s really fucking proud of him, too.  
  


**Author's Note:**

> You made it! The end! Haha Thank you for reading <3 I have a few timestamps in mind for these two, for sure. I'm a little in love with them myself, so it wouldn't be hardship to come back to them <3


End file.
